Ride on Space Cowgirl: The Work Annals

Finding Myself Again?

2007-06-02T05:14:00.000-10:00

It's strange for me to think about the possibility that I need to "find" myself again. How did I lose myself, one may wonder? Well, it's less of losing myself and more of not taking enough time for myself away from books, my computer, music and even people. I realized the other day that I need to write more. In fact, I have done hardly any writing since I moved last November. Writing has always been the catharsis for my moodiness when it hits. It is the tool I use to dig out the negative feelings I have and channel them into words. Sometimes these words makes it onto one of my three blogs, and sometimes it stays unseen on my computer or gets discarded on a scratch piece of paper. I never really thought of myself as a prolific writer, but I've always acknowledged the importance of writing in my life.

I'm not the world's greatest writer, nor do I think I'm God's gift to words. However, I know that when I write I can put words to thoughts, feelings and impressions better than if I tried to express them verbally. I've always wondered about why it's been easier for me to write my emotions than to speak them. Sometimes when I'm writing a short story or a poem, I remove those feelings from my heart and mind to prepare to let go of them. Of late, I've noticed that I've held onto a lot of emotions that usually don't bog me down. Most of the things I've held onto are really stupid things that I should never have entertained in the first place but festers each time my thoughts brush against them.

In my years in Hawaii, I discovered the importance of going through my emotional layers and scrubbing away those emotions and ideas that hurt my soul. It was something of a weekly routine of mine to run on the beach and digging in myself for those things that drug me down during the day or week and to go home and proceed to write about them. Some days I wrote more than other days, but for the most part, the act of writing helped me purge myself of the parts of me that weren't good. I still run now, but I spend less time analyzing myself and more time mindlessly running to the beat of the music blaring in my ears. Music isn't bad, but it keeps me from taking time to pamper myself and work toward being a better person.

This post is my first step toward taking time to healing the hurt on my soul from the stupid, negative ideas and emotions I allow into my heart and mind.

It's Been a While

2007-05-22T18:42:00.000-10:00

I guess the title says it all. It's been a while since I last felt inclined to write. Strange that I wouldn't feel inclined to write. I love writing, but that's another post for another time. As far as work annals go, things at work seem to be on the twisty part of the roller coaster ride. I've been super busy this past week or so and will welcome not having to rush to a deadline, if that will ever happen again.

It seems like my life has become less social of late as well. I've cloistered myself and just stuck with hanging out with a select few. Honestly, I don't mind this. I like focusing my efforts on a few people rather than a lot. Granted, getting to know a lot of people is fun because of the uniqueness each person has, getting to know only a few people better has its merits as well. Strangely, Utah has been growing on me since the scenery started to look greener. I don't quite know what it is about green that makes me happy and less stressed, but I'll take it.

Back in December, my best friend asked me if I wanted to run a marathon with her this upcoming December. Me, being the softy that I am, said of course I'd love to. The funny thing about this is the fact that I am not a fan of running. I am more of a fan of playing sports to be healthy than running, but I'll do this for her. Besides, it'll be a cool thing to tell people about when I'm older. I've started looking at life experiences that way: cool thing to tell people when I'm older. I'm less hesitant to reject something because of that line of thinking.

So, my sorry attempt at a blog log is more of just a catch-up post than anything else. Lots has been on my mind these past months of silence, and I get the feeling lots will be on my mind for a while yet.

Song of the Day

2007-02-01T18:55:00.000-10:00

"Look After You" by The Fray.

A Voice That Soothes From the Past

2007-01-27T13:04:00.000-10:00

This day has been wonderful for me. I've been able to really relax for the first time in a little while and take care of myself. After accomplishing the feat of building my new bookshelf, I wondered what I could possibly do this weekend to come close to meeting the feat of last week. I took a bath that felt wonderful which helped. But, what really made this day one worth remembering was the fact that I was able to reconnect with one of my closest friends today.

She and I have left deep imprints on each other's lives and being able to talk with her was amazing. Heh, amazing is one of the words she uses to describe me all the time. I wonder if her words are too kind, but at the same time, I'm grateful that she says them as boldly and honestly as she does. It didn't feel like she and I hadn't had much contact in over a year as we talked to each other. I will never stop being amazed at how well Heavenly Father knows me and the things that I need in my life. Hearing this friends' voice was paramount among the things that I've needed in my life. Rarely do I recognize His hand as quickly as this, but it's still amazing to me that He knows me like He does.

I haven't had a terrible week this week, and my life has reached a relative stable point. Still, being able to catch up a little with her has made my week that much better. I feel that much better.

Misadventures in Dating

2006-12-26T18:33:00.000-10:00

After tonight and a couple of previous dates that were on the so-so side, I'm realizing the difficulty and stress of dating. In high school and college even, dating didn't seem to have as many unspoken expectations as dating now seems to have. I never know if/when the guy might be expecting more from me than I am "giving" or how he'll react to who I am as a whole. I've discovered that I talk a lot while on dates but then again, I talk a lot to my friends and family. I've discovered that I can't read men as well as I can read women. I've discovered that even though I've made up my mind to not be in the "hunt" while I date, I'm certainly not in a "make friends" mode either.

Aw, being stuck somewhere inbetween surely is a rather annoying place to be. I've never seen myself as the flirty, ditsy type of woman who doesn't really care if she finds someone to make out with or who'll completely devote himself to her. I think I do well on dates, but first date number three since I moved down here and not a second yet. Of course, I must give it time. Three dates in two months is quite the feat for me. Maybe it just boils down to an attraction issue with me. Issue seems to carry a negative conotation to some people, but there is nothing negative about it with me.

Ultimately though, it would be nice if dating would be less of a misadventure where all sorts of bungles, mayhem, and misunderstandings occur and more of an adventure where it gets adrenaline pumping, excitement sparked and connections to be made.

Whatever dating becomes, it will always be this: a once in a lifetime chance.

Preview of Capt Caf's New Episode

2006-11-17T22:22:00.000-10:00

Things have gotten to the point where all you Capt Caf fans have waited for: another episode to the daily workings of our wonderful superhero. I promise that I have already worked on writing the next short and that it should be up soon.

Here's a little teaser to keep you interested: Capt Caf's heart is tested time and again as many hunters set traps, snares and pitfalls for our hero. Can she make it through them all and survive? Will she eventually rejoin the human race by my hand? You must read the story to find out.

Ushering in a New Phase

2006-11-17T22:14:00.000-10:00

So to the faithful who have checked my blog for updates recently, I must apologize for my slothful approach to sharing my thoughts with you.

I have started a new-ish life in Utah, and even though I have been very cold and somewhat disjointed, I find that I am enjoying being here. I never planned nor wanted to live in Utah for many reasons: it's landlocked where I've spent the majority of my life living near the ocean, it's a desert where I've only lived in humid places, I don't know how to say this without it being misconstrued so... there are a lot more white people here than what I've grown accustomed to these last four years, and frankly, I'm not terribly closer to my family living here.

Well, despite my earlier complaints and misgivings about this area, it's beginning to grow on me. I've started noticing the beauty of the sunsets as I leave work and see the purples, pinks and oranges coloring the mountains. Even though the drivers here scare me most of the time, I'm beginning to enjoy exploring the towns from the vantage point behind the wheel of a car. I'm even enjoying being around students again.

I really am doing well down here. I'm happy where I'm at, and I'm even beginning to get the hang of my new job. It amazes me how after all the pieces are picked up and thrown all over the place how well they manage to fit back together once the turmoil comes to an end.

Song of the Day

2006-10-05T10:00:00.000-10:00

"Where'd You Go" by Fort Minor

Fighting Through Limbo

2006-09-26T18:31:00.000-10:00

As some of you may know, I've been really struggling recently with trying to find new employment. I'm not unemployed because of my own doing, but I'm unemployed nonetheless. This has been one of my largest trials. I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling like no matter what I do, it's not good enough. I feel so frustrated that I can't get something no matter how hard I work for it. Depression seems to be knocking on my door, and I'm very tempted to let it in. I can't let that happen though. I've never been the kind of person who gives up without fighting as hard as she can. I'm ready to move on with things and possibly be *gasps* an adult.

This doesn't happen very often, my desire to adulthood, but strangely, I feel like I'm ready to be self-sufficient. I'm ready to begin to establish myself somewhere and be around people my age again. However, the key element that I've been neglecting for the past month is relying on the Lord in life. I've been relying on myself throughout all this job hunting and moving and transitioning. My mind wanders back to the life I left. It keeps reminding me that I left a place that I loved to come back to one that I hardly knew anymore. My body reminds me that I'm in a temperature that is no longer familiar.

I need to prove to myself that I can accept and deal with change. I need to prove to myself that I can beat whatever negative feelings creep into my mind due to my current circumstances. I know I have the strength and the faith to get through this time in my life. I know that the Lord won't leave me alone. I know that if something doesn't change soon, I might not be able to make it on my own strength of will much longer.

On a happier note, I have been loving every minute being back around my family. It's been a dream being around my nieces and nephews and siblings again. Even when the kids are being emotionally draining, I still love the experience. I can barely describe what it's like being around them. They have been a salve to my bruised soul, and I will always be grateful to them for it.

Song of the Day

2006-09-14T19:10:00.000-10:00

"You Gotta Be" by Des'ree.

-- Listen as your day unfolds
Challenge what the future holds
Try and keep your head up to the sky
Lovers, they may cause you tears
Go ahead release your fears
Stand up and be counted
Don't be ashamed to cry
You gotta be
You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold
You gotta be wiser, you gotta be hard
You gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm
You gotta stay together
All I know, all I know, love will save the day
Herald what your mother said
Readin' the books your father read
Try to solve the puzzles in your own sweet time
Some may have more cash than you
Others take a different view
My oh my heh, hey
You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold
You gotta be wiser, you gotta be hard
You gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm
You gotta stay together
All I know, all I know, love will save the day
Don't ask no questions, it goes on without you
Leaving you behind if you can't stand the pace
The world keeps on spinning
You can't stop it, if you try to
This time it's danger staring you in the face
Oh oh oh Remember
Listen as your day unfolds
Challenge what the future holds
Try and keep your head up to the sky
Lovers, they may cause you tears
Go ahead release your fears
My oh my heh, hey, hey
You gotta be
You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold
You gotta be wiser, you gotta be hard
You gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm
You gotta stay together
All I know, all I know, love will save the day
You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold
You gotta be wiser, you gotta be hard
You gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm
You gotta stay together
All I know, all I know, love will save the day

Playin' With the Fam

2006-09-03T16:28:00.000-10:00

So, after hearing that most of my family played fantasy football last year, I finally have my chance to play with them. My team, I think, is well rounded. And actually, I'm going to use this post to keep track of my team, so if I lose the paper that I wrote my team down on originally.

Here's my picks:

QB's - Tom Brady (New England), Jon Kitna (Detroit)
RB's - LaDainian Tomlinson (San Diego), Willie Parker (Pittsburg), Warrick Dunn (Atlanta), DeAngelo Williams (Carolina)
WR's - Santana Moss (Washington), Terry Glenn (Dallas), Jerry Porter (Oakland), Joe Jurevicious (Cleveland)
K - Neil Rackers (Arizona)
TE - Todd Heap (Baltimore), Ben Troupe (Tennesse)
Defense/Special Teams - Carolina Panthers

I'm lookin' forward to a fun season this year.

A Sudden Realization

2006-08-10T10:07:00.000-10:00

I was texting a friend of mine about how I forgot to make a phone call, and I said to him that there is always tomorrow - but as I think about things, I'm running out of tomorrow's here. In exactly two weeks from today, I'll be in an airport awaiting my plane to go home. It's scary when I think about, but I choose to think about it because I need to embrace everything that I have left to embrace before I leave. The mornings and evenings that I bike by the temple, the malasadas, the beach and sounds of the surf. As the Aerosmith song says, "I don't wanna miss a thing."

I hope I continue to wake up every day with this attitude; especially my last few days on the island but also for the rest of my life.

Song of the Day

2006-08-09T14:20:00.000-10:00

"Who Wants to Live Forever" by Queen

Fiery Red, Episode 2

2006-08-09T14:05:00.000-10:00

The twisting hallways of the palace always annoyed her, because they made her think of a maze and the Minotaur. The rings and bracelets on her hands weighed heavier than usual, but on days like this, they always weighed more. She really wished these days would never come, but in her heart, she knew full well that someone needed to be here. Turning a corner, she walks into the chest of a tall man, knocking them both to the ground.

Embarassed by her clumsiness, she pushes herself off of his chest and says, "I'm so sorry. I was thinking about court today, and I didn't bother to look where I was going. Are you okay?"

She paused in her apology as the man began to laugh uncontrolably beneath her. In between laughs, he manages to say, "I've been trying to get closer to you for weeks, and here I find you running around a corner, tackling me in the process. How charming, my lady."

Lightly grabbing her wrists, he helps her off his chest. Still embarassed, she looks at his face and realizes who she bumped into. His deep laugh echoed in the hallway as she tries to help him off the floor. Grabbing his hand, her thoughts and words freeze. Her heart skips a beat and her brain stops functioning as she helps him up. "Aliya?" he concernly asks.

Shaken from her daze, Aliya quickly removes her hands from his, grabs her head, and says, "I'm fine, just a little dizzy from the fall. I must be off though, it's nearly time for me to be in court."

Before he can respond, she rushes off in the direction of the palace's main hall. He scratches his head, walking in the opposite direction of Aliya, wondering if he will be able to see her again. "I wonder if she'll run into me again," he thought to himself, chuckling.

Walking into the main hall, Aliya stops to take in the scene. People of all ages, walks of life and ethnicities are bunched waiting for her to appear so court could begin for the day. Waiting on her chair was a sealed envelop, and as she walked toward her chair, she notices the envelop. Picking it up, she notices that the seal is from the Bond Guild and apprehension shoots through her.

"What is the Guild wanting with me this time? There won't be a hatching for a while... why have they sent me a letter in this season," Aliya wonders.

Déjà Vu Counter

2006-08-07T13:14:00.000-10:00

As of a couple of seconds ago, I once again experienced a moment of déjà vu. It has always been my belief that déjà vu comes when we are doing something that Heavenly Father endorses or that we are supposed to do. I wonder what impact the thing that I am doing will have on other's if it will have any at all. Though this is the first déjà vu moment that I have had this month, I have had many instances of déjà vu during the summer time. I sure hope this means that I am doing well in life and in Heavenly Father's eyes.

Déjà vu has always been such a strange experience for me. I see myself in a disjointed setting for a moment doing exactly what I am currently doing. I know this are things that I have never done before, but here I am thinking that I must have done it at some point. It just always strikes me as odd when I go through déjà vu during the day. The more frequent it comes, the more I think I must be on the path I set out on when I left the pre-mortal life.

Tying Up Loose Ends

2006-08-04T09:03:00.000-10:00

Well, as with most things in my life, my time in Hawaii is coming to an end. Some days it saddens me, and some days I'm excited for the next adventure in life to come my way. There are many, many things on this island I have yet to see, but at the same time, I have those things to look forward to when I return, whenever that is. I want to absorb as much of the scenery and life from here as I can, and I find myself sitting and soaking things in more often than not.

A couple of nights ago, I was blessed to watch a lightning storm over the ocean with a friend from home and her kids. Though it's hard to live here, I feel so blessed that I was allowed to come here. Yes, there have been a few times where in the past month I've clashed with roommates, and yes, there is drama in my life, but I value things so much more right now. The lens that I view things through has altered so much since I purchased my ticket to fly back home. Little things cause me to pause and ponder like seeing the small crabs run around on the beach. Things like the cattle egrets on campus chasing the guy on the lawn mower are becoming pictures in my mind's scrapbook.

The people and cultural diversity of this place is unlike any other place I will ever go. As reluctant as I am to leave, I know that the Lord has plans for me elsewhere. Maybe He wants me to help bring what I've learned here to other people. Maybe He wants me to learn what other people know. All I know is the Big Man wants me elsewhere, and I plan on trusting Him.

For Lack of Something Else to Put

2006-07-31T14:52:00.000-10:00

I don't normally take the online quiz thingies that are made for people to put in their online journals, but this one appealed to me, so I took it. Here is my result:

Your EQ is 133

50 or less: Thanks for answering honestly. Now get yourself a shrink, quick!
51-70: When it comes to understanding human emotions, you'd have better luck understanding Chinese.
71-90: You've got more emotional intelligence than the average frat boy. Barely.
91-110: You're average. It's easy to predict how you'll react to things. But anyone could have guessed that.
111-130: You usually have it going on emotionally, but roadblocks tend to land you on your butt.
131-150: You are remarkable when it comes to relating with others. Only the biggest losers get under your skin.
150+: Two possibilities - you've either out "Dr. Phil-ed" Dr. Phil... or you're a dirty liar.

What's Your EQ (Emotional Intelligence Quotient)?

Fiery Red, Episode 1

2006-07-21T09:59:00.000-10:00

Overlooking the mist veiled forest, a cool morning breeze sends chills down her back. Her long, fiery hair dances in the breeze as her thoughts wander to previous days. Chin craddled in the palm of her hand, she recalls the day she received her first invitation to the hatchling ceremony. "Was it so long ago? I still remember my reaction to the smell and noise of the nesting grounds," she thinks.

The roaring crowd intimidates the young who gathered to earn the privilage of a bonding. They knew well that if a bond were to form, they would have a lifelong friend and companion. These youth also knew that they might not receive this privilage again in their life. Bondings were tricky because the hatchlings could not be forced to bond to a specific youth. "I can feel the excitement of the youth in the nesting grounds," I thought.

"It's contagious, I almost want to be down there with them," I said to my escort.

Looking with distain, the escort replies, "In that filth? Why would you subject yourself to such potential for failure?"

"Failure? Just receiving an invitation to the hatchling ceremony is amazing enough, but to participate would be even better!" I retorted excitedly.

Seeing his words were falling on deaf ears, the escort stopped trying to reason with me and let me absorb more of the arena. A smell of rotting and cleanliness invaded my senses. The nests of the hatchlings usually smelled of life and death, or so I was told. When people around me heard that I had been given my first invitation to a hatchling ceremony, I received many words of advice. Few of the people seemed to know what they were talking about, but as I sit here, smelling a stench that soothes and upsets me, I find my energy focuses on the center of the arena where the chosen youth stand in nervous anticipation for the ceremony to start.

"Now, my dear, is the time to enjoy the entertainment that is the selection process. Though the nominees have been trained and taught by those who have been through the bonding, many ignore what they were taught," the escort whispered into my ear as the eggs in the center began to quiver.

In a moment, the eggs were replaced by hatchlings, crying for want of attention and need. Aimless, they wander around the grounds, looking for the person they will bond to. Cheering begins on the far left of the arena as a blue stays close to a female youth of middling height and slim build. The pride on her face at being chosen almost outshines the sun.

The next chosen will always stand out in my mind. He was the most handsome youth I have ever seen, and at that moment, I wished violently that he would notice me among the thousands of onlookers. I even envied the red that protectively circled this young man.

"My memories always bring me back to that young man. He turned into my closest friend and confidant. His red has even adopted me and accepts me into their world," she thinks with a sigh.

Turning from the morning light and breeze, she steps back into her apartment, pulling the curtains closed behind her. Coals still burned in her fireplace from the previous night and a pot was placed about the coals, no doubt filled with breakfast. Reluctantly, she slipped off her robe and nightgown. She stood, for a moment, allowing the full force of the spring morning to cool her. As with the rest of her days in the palace, her day's clothes were laid out for her to choose from, and as she stood in her small clothes, she felt alive.

Great News

2006-07-10T15:41:00.000-10:00

Today is the day that my best friend went to see the doctor to find out the gender of her new baby. I'm pleased and excited to report that she will be having a girl! She already has a boy, and now she's going to have the first granddaughter in her family. I'm so excited for her. The best part about this pregnancy of her's is the fact that I might be able to see her through the last part of it! I'm trying to get a job in Utah, near where she and her husband live. So we'll see. For now, I wish for all who endure reading my ramblings to know that I'm the beaming best friend and auntie.

Someone Spilled Turpentine

2006-07-07T09:33:00.000-10:00

Just past the corner of my vision, I see a blurring that seems to be spreading. It started out small, smaller than a dot. Now, it's spreading, threatening to burst into my line of sight. Something is holding it at bay however. Maybe the quaint painting I created has a mistake in it and that's why things aren't quite as they used to be. My apprentanceship is nowhere near complete, and for that, I must accept that the Master will allow change to happen, sometimes bringing it himself. I'm okay with that for I know that my skills are incomplete and juvenile. I have a lot of growing and maturing to do, and this is just the next step of many in the path to becoming a master one day.

The spilled turpentine is a test, and I recognize it as such. Will I find the strength and willpower to pass this yest?

Song of the Day

2006-06-29T14:47:00.000-10:00

"If I Am" by Nine Days

So you're standin on the ledge
it looks like you might fall
its so far down
or maybe you were thinkin about jumpin
now you could have it all
if you learned a little patience
for though I cannot fly
I'm not content to crawl
so give me a little credit
have in me a little faith
I wanna be with you forever
if tomorrow's not too late
but its always too late when you got nothin
so you say
you should never let the sun set on tomorrow
before the sun rises today

If I am
another waste of everything you dreamed of
I will let you down
if I am
only here to watch you as you suffer
I will let you down

So you're walkin on the edge
and you wait your turn to fall
but you're so far gone
that you don't see the hands upheld to catch you
and you could find the fault
in the heart that you've been handed
for though you cannot fly
you're not content to crawl
and its always too late when you got nothin
so you say
but we should never let the sun set on tomorrow
before the sun rises

If I am
another waste of everything you hoped for
I will let you down
if I am
only here to watch you as you suffer
I will let you down

So you're standin on the ledge
it looks like you might fall

If I am
another waste of everything you dreamed of
I will let you down
if I am
only here to watch you as you suffer
I will let you down

The answers we find
are never what we had in mind
so we make it up as we go along
you don't talk of dreams
when i won't mention tomorrow
and we won't make those promises we can't keep

I will never leave you
I will not let you down
I will never leave you
I will not let you down

INFJ - The Idealist

2006-06-26T12:07:00.000-10:00

As I was at a seminar for a company that places teachers in Japan, I took a personality profiler test so the company could get a feel for how I might act as an employee of their company. I was told that I am a good, strong candidate for the position, which is nice to hear, but ultimately, I cannot afford it as of yet. It is something I really want to do though.

Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging

Beneath the quiet exterior, INFJs hold deep convictions about the weightier matters of life. Those who are activists -- INFJs gravitate toward such a role -- are there for the cause, not for personal glory or political power.

INFJs are champions of the oppressed and downtrodden. They often are found in the wake of an emergency, rescuing those who are in acute distress. INFJs may fantasize about getting revenge on those who victimize the defenseless. The concept of 'poetic justice' is appealing to the INFJ.

"There's something rotten in Denmark." Accurately suspicious about others' motives, INFJs are not easily led. These are the people that you can rarely fool any of the time. Though affable and sympathetic to most, INFJs are selective about their friends. Such a friendship is a symbiotic bond that transcends mere words.

INFJs have a knack for fluency in language and facility in communication. In addition, nonverbal sensitivity enables the INFJ to know and be known by others intimately.

Writing, counseling, public service and even politics are areas where INFJs frequently find their niche.

Functional Analysis:

Introverted iNtuition

Introverted intuitives, INFJs enjoy a greater clarity of perception of inner, unconscious processes than all but their INTJ cousins. Just as SP types commune with the object and "live in the here and now" of the physical world, INFJs readily grasp the hidden psychological stimuli behind the more observable dynamics of behavior and affect. Their amazing ability to deduce the inner workings of the mind, will and emotions of others gives INFJs their reputation as prophets and seers. Unlike the confining, routinizing nature of introverted sensing, introverted intuition frees this type to act insightfully and spontaneously as unique solutions arise on an event by event basis.

Extraverted Feeling

Extraverted feeling, the auxiliary deciding function, expresses a range of emotion and opinions of, for and about people. INFJs, like many other FJ types, find themselves caught between the desire to express their wealth of feelings and moral conclusions about the actions and attitudes of others, and the awareness of the consequences of unbridled candor. Some vent the attending emotions in private, to trusted allies. Such confidants are chosen with care, for INFJs are well aware of the treachery that can reside in the hearts of mortals. This particular combination of introverted intuition and extraverted feeling provides INFJs with the raw material from which perceptive counselors are shaped.

Introverted Thinking

The INFJ's thinking is introverted, turned toward the subject. Perhaps it is when the INFJ's thinking function is operative that he is most aloof. A comrade might surmise that such detachment signals a disillusionment, that she has also been found lacking by the sardonic eye of this one who plumbs the depths of the human spirit. Experience suggests that such distancing is merely an indication that the seer is hard at work and focusing energy into this less efficient tertiary function.

Extraverted Sensing

INFJs are twice blessed with clarity of vision, both internal and external. Just as they possess inner vision which is drawn to the forms of the unconscious, they also have external sensing perception which readily takes hold of worldly objects. Sensing, however, is the weakest of the INFJ's arsenal and the most vulnerable. INFJs, like their fellow intuitives, may be so absorbed in intuitive perceiving that they become oblivious to physical reality. The INFJ under stress may fall prey to various forms of immediate gratification. Awareness of extraverted sensing is probably the source of the "SP wannabe" side of INFJs. Many yearn to live spontaneously; it's not uncommon for INFJ actors to take on an SP (often ESTP) role.

Introverted iNtuiting Feeling Judging

INFJs are distinguished by both their complexity of character and the unusual range and depth of their talents. Strongly humanitarian in outlook, INFJs tend to be idealists, and because of their J preference for closure and completion, they are generally "doers" as well as dreamers. This rare combination of vision and practicality often results in INFJs taking a disproportionate amount of responsibility in the various causes to which so many of them seem to be drawn.

INFJs are deeply concerned about their relations with individuals as well as the state of humanity at large. They are, in fact, sometimes mistaken for extroverts because they appear so outgoing and are so genuinely interested in people -- a product of the Feeling function they most readily show to the world. On the contrary, INFJs are true introverts, who can only be emotionally intimate and fulfilled with a chosen few from among their long-term friends, family, or obvious "soul mates." While instinctively courting the personal and organizational demands continually made upon them by others, at intervals INFJs will suddenly withdraw into themselves, sometimes shutting out even their intimates. This apparent paradox is a necessary escape valve for them, providing both time to rebuild their depleted resources and a filter to prevent the emotional overload to which they are so susceptible as inherent "givers." As a pattern of behavior, it is perhaps the most confusing aspect of the enigmatic INFJ character to outsiders, and hence the most often misunderstood -- particularly by those who have little experience with this rare type.

Due in part to the unique perspective produced by this alternation between detachment and involvement in the lives of the people around them, INFJs may well have the clearest insights of all the types into the motivations of others, for good and for evil. The most important contributing factor to this uncanny gift, however, are the empathic abilities often found in Fs, which seem to be especially heightened in the INFJ type (possibly by the dominance of the introverted N function).

This empathy can serve as a classic example of the two-edged nature of certain INFJ talents, as it can be strong enough to cause discomfort or pain in negative or stressful situations. More explicit inner conflicts are also not uncommon in INFJs; it is possible to speculate that the causes for some of these may lie in the specific combinations of preferences which define this complex type. For instance, there can sometimes be a "tug-of-war" between NF vision and idealism and the J practicality that urges compromise for the sake of achieving the highest priority goals. And the I and J combination, while perhaps enhancing self-awareness, may make it difficult for INFJs to articulate their deepest and most convoluted feelings.

Usually self-expression comes more easily to INFJs on paper, as they tend to have strong writing skills. Since in addition they often possess a strong personal charisma, INFJs are generally well-suited to the "inspirational" professions such as teaching (especially in higher education) and religious leadership. Psychology and counseling are other obvious choices, but overall, INFJs can be exceptionally difficult to pigeonhole by their career paths. Perhaps the best example of this occurs in the technical fields. Many INFJs perceive themselves at a disadvantage when dealing with the mystique and formality of "hard logic", and in academic terms this may cause a tendency to gravitate towards the liberal arts rather than the sciences. However, the significant minority of INFJs who do pursue studies and careers in the latter areas tend to be as successful as their T counterparts, as it is *iNtuition* -- the dominant function for the INFJ type -- which governs the ability to understand abstract theory and implement it creatively.

In their own way, INFJs are just as much "systems builders" as are INTJs; the difference lies in that most INFJ "systems" are founded on human beings and human values, rather than information and technology. Their systems may for these reasons be conceptually "blurrier" than analogous NT ones, harder to measure in strict numerical terms, and easier to take for granted -- yet it is these same underlying reasons which make the resulting contributions to society so vital and profound.

Drifting Toward Change

2006-06-21T16:27:00.000-10:00

As hours fly and minutes disappear, I find that my time in paradise is slowly and, sometimes, quickly coming to an end. Right now I have two close friends that I practically do everything with. It's an interesting and fulfilling time for me. I'm making leaps in my quality of work, I'm actually living life on the island, and I'm even indulging myself in healthy amounts.

However, I find that my world of utter and complete happiness will soon change. I know that it's my choice to wake up in the morning and be happy, but at the same time, it's a little difficult to be happy when friends are scarce and the world that you've known is about to change.

I do plan on changing my life some. I plan on getting into the habit of running more. I plan to eat healthier and be happier. I plan to study deeper and love freer. I plan to read more books and maybe even draw some more. Heaven knows I've got plenty of "started" drawings and few completed ones. My life has tons of open roads and as such, I intend to rule out as few as possible. I do want to go to Japan though. I hope that after the end of this month, I'll have a clearer idea of which road I'd like to start journeying on.

A Day at Punchbowl

2006-06-19T15:09:00.000-10:00

On a whim, I decided to accompany a friend of mine on a day of sightseeing in Honolulu. After a long bus trip, we arrived at the Punchbowl Cemetery in town, and enjoyed wandering around the grounds. Here are some pictures from our journey.

Due to Popular Demand

2006-06-06T09:42:00.000-10:00

Well, it's not really popular demand, but I decided at work that I really need to flex my creative writing muscles some. It's been a while since I've done much beyond poetry. However, I've been inspired once again by my muse, the smashing return of *dum da da dum* Capt Caf!!!!

The title of today's episode is: Encounter with the Far East, or West depending on where you look at it.

Our heroine, Capt Caf has been on many brave journeys in her lifetime but none quite like this. Her alter ego, a mild mannered college student, was working on some research in between the hundreds of other things she managed to squeeze into her life. In the past few months, her close friend, Saru, made the step from student to life after being a student and left this realm. Burying herself in her alter ego's studies, Capt Caf's existence was becoming threatened. After a time, she began to reemerge. Her studies and research was still important, but she, Capt Caf, not the college student, came out more and more. She fought against the nebulous foe, Crampt Speece and won. She battled the burly and stupid Ife. She even managed to help many of her alter ego's friends defeat hunger and boredom.

Late nights of research and general super heroing let her to an opportunity to an opportunity that any superhero would tell you to not pass up. Her life had led her to cross another ocean once, and this opportunity afforded her the opportunity to cross yet another of the mighty water masses to arrive in a place unlike any she's visited. An RM was her mentor in this area of the world, and she knew before departing on her journey that she would be surrounded by people who would not be able to communicate well with her. Well, this chronologer isn't sure, but I don't think our beloved superhero encountered many, if any, foes in this land across another ocean. She's returning to her area surrounded by ahola for defense and is going about her normal, boredom and hunger fighting ways. This time, equipped with foreign things to offer.

On the Radio

2006-05-15T09:16:00.000-10:00

So this anecdote is too irresistable. I checked a message this morning from a guy in St. Louis who said that he wanted to interview me. I wasn't entirely sure what company he said he was with, but I figured I'd call anyway and see what was up. So I call from my cell phone because I don't have my office extention for calling domestic long distance and leave a message. Well, the guy called me back and said they had just finished taping their show, but he'd be willing to try and schedule something with me for a later show. A red flag in my head went off, and I realized he was looking for another person with my name, an olympic medalist no less. We talked, and I let him know that I wasn't the person he was looking for, which I received a confused response. I, again, told him that I wasn't who he was looking for after he persisted, and then he hung up on me. I got a huge laugh out of it, and so did my co-workers.

In the end, we decided that it was a funny thing to have to tell someone that they have the wrong person with the identical name. He got my office information off of Google, and things spiraled from there. Man, I love Mondays. =D

Pensive

2006-04-25T10:32:00.000-10:00

I am finding, in myself, a tendency to want to turn off my heart. I see and hear people around me who have successfully turned their's off, and I figure, what harm could it cause me? In my mind, I see myself saying fewer stupid things, being less melancholy, and more willing to do whatever. I say to myself, "Self, if I find the off button to my heart or get it enrolled in an exchange program, I can begin the long diagnosis process and assess where I'm at in relation to life."

In saying this to Self, I've realized a couple of things that I should be wary of, mainly apathy that could result from the impending removal/shut down of my heart. Something in the back of my head whispers, if I let go of my heart, let it run free and wild somewhere that's not near me, I could lose something vital to me. Would I still see the world in techni-color without my heart? Would I still revel in people watching without my heart beating away, helping me make up the conversations that people could be having? Without my heart, could I maintain and cultivate the love that I have for those closest to me?

These are all questions that have tried to run their course through my mind as I've contemplated shutting down this vital system to my soul. There are reservations that have kept me from doing the final checklist before shut down, but I have yet to place my finger on them. So until then, if I seem to be crazier than normal, please forgive me, I shall be sure to contact the Emergency Broadcast Station, and let them know to send out signals far and wide so that people are aware of this crazy.

Words of Inspiration

2006-03-23T13:24:00.000-10:00

I don't know if I have stated why I put songs of the day up yet, but here's a quick post explaining where they came from, and my song of the day for today including lyrics.

Songs of the day started with a friend of mine who wanted to share his music with me. He would randomly pick a song and send it to me telling me that it was the song of the day for that day. Some of the songs would have amazing lyrics and that's why he would send it to me, or the instrumentals in another song would be incredible. Sometimes he just wanted to share his music with me.

As I listened to the songs he sent me, I realized that others might find the songs that he sent me entertaining, so I posted the artist and song title up randomly as my song of the day. Really though, I know that there are some people who check out my blog and see song of the day as the title and glance over it. That's totally cool.

Well now, I've been privilaged to find songs that inspire me or make me feel good about msyelf or the world around me, and I want to share those with the readers of my blog. Some of the songs that I put up have similar qualities to the songs of the day that I shared with my friend not too long ago. I hope those that read through this will be able to appreciate songs of the day a little better, and if not, cool.

"Video" by India.Arie

Sometimes I shave my legs and sometimes I don't
Sometimes I comb my hair and sometimes I won't
Depend on how the wind blows I might even paint my toes
It really just depends on whatever feels good in my soul

I'm not the average girl from your video
and I ain't built like a supermodel
But, I learned to love myself unconditionally
Because I am a queen
I'm not the average girl from your video
My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
No matter what I'm wearing I will always be the India Arie

When I look in the mirror and the only one there is me
Every freckle on my face is where it's supposed to be
And I know our creator didn't make no mistakes on me
My feet, my thighs, my lips, my eyes; I'm lovin' what I see

I'm not the average girl from your video
and I ain't built like a supermodel
But, I learned to love myself unconditionally
Because I am a queen
I'm not the average girl from your video
My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
No matter what I'm wearing I will always be the India Arie

Am I less of a lady if I don't wear pantyhose?
My mama said a lady ain't what she wears but, what she knows
But, I've drawn a conclusion, it's all an illusion, confusion's the name of the
game
A misconception, a vast deception
Something's gotta change
but,Don't be offended this is all my opinion
ain't nothing that I'm sayin law
This is a true confession of a life learned lesson I was sent here to share with
y'all
So get in where you fit in go on and shine
Clear your mind, now's the time
Put your salt on the shelf
Go on and love yourself
'Cuz everything's gonna be all right

I'm not the average girl from your video
and I ain't built like a supermodel
But, I Learned to love myself unconditionally
Because I am a queen
I'm not the average girl from your video
My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
No matter what I'm wearing I will always be the India Arie

Keep your fancy drinks and your expensive minks
I don't need that to have a good time
Keep your expensive car and your caviar
All I need is my guitar
Keep your Kristal and your pistol
I'd rather have a pretty piece of crystal
Don't need your Silicon I prefer my own
What God gave me is just fine

I'm not the average girl from your video
and I ain't built like a supermodel
But, I learned to love myself unconditionally
Because I am a queen
I'm not the average girl from your video
My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
No matter what I'm wearing I will always be India Arie

Tearing and Torn

2006-03-08T11:41:00.000-10:00

In a blink the world changes,
Keeping me on my toes.
At the drop of a hat,
I feel caught in tumultuous throes.

My future fogging over
Freezes dreams and hope.
These changes take my heart,
Tearing and torn but I'll cope.

Heaps Upon

2006-03-06T16:38:00.000-10:00

The rise and fall of life makes for interesting times. This roller coaster, as unpredictable as it may be, makes me sick from time to time. Though it is not an option, I crave for the ground to not be shifting under my feet. I long for times when the world does not flip upside down and everything goes in reverse or at least feels like it's in reverse. There are many theme park rides that can reflect the feeling of life, but at times I'd rather be on the bench watching others on their rides and take a breather from life. Fortunately and unfortunately, Heavenly Father did not intend life to be that way. We are to be active participants in life.

There are times in my life when I was a benchwarmer, and I hated the feeling of wasting my time while others experienced things. Even though I'd rather not go through another rough patch in my amusement park ride called life, I don't want to feel regret missing out on something that could potentially be wonderful. Right now there is much potential in my life. The inertia is nearly driving me crazy, but the potential outcome of this stress, frustration, and overall negativity will easily outweigh my current state of frustration and anguish. Really, my life isn't bad at all. I'm doing something that I absolutely love doing. I live in paradise (no, I'm not rubbing it in, I think Washington state is paradise too), and I get to see the ocean and amazing hills all in one day. Sometimes I see those all within hours or minutes of each other.

Heh, contentment really doesn't last. All you can do is remain as close to the Lord as you can, and hope that things will eventually turn around in His time. I'm probably going through this stress because right now is a time that I need to learn as much patience as I can. Though I would rather trade in this stress in the drop of a dime, there is something here for me to experience that I must experience, and I won't throw that aside. Somewhat contradictory... well, yeah. That happens from time to time.

Song of the Day

2006-02-10T09:21:00.000-10:00

"Water's Edge" by 7 Mary 3

Don't Mind Me

2006-01-30T20:25:00.000-10:00

If I say...

Don't hold my hand,
It's not you, don't mind me.
Sometimes I'm anti-social;
It's not you, don't mind me.

I don't want to talk.
I don't want hugs.
I want solitude,
Not you.

Just don't mind me.

Days come and go
Nothing wrong.
Once or twice,
I need silence.
I need to be alone.

People bother me, even you.
Holder of my heart,
It's not you, don't mind me.

I'm not in the mood for kissing.
Not wanting to cuddle,
Talking is overrated.
Yet my heart aches.
Anti-social me comes and goes,

Don't worry, it's not you, it's me.

I don't want to hold hands.
I don't want to go out.
I don't want to watch a movie,
Oh, why can't you see?

It's not you, don't mind me.

Just listen to my plea,
Then maybe you'll see.
This is one of those days
Where everything seems dull and grey.

Always remember, it's not you
Now, don't mind me.

What I've Learned

2006-01-23T09:39:00.000-10:00

Just recently, I've been reflecting on some of the things that I've learned in the past couple of years. These things encompass things that I've learned about myself, friendship, the Gospel, schooling, work and social interactions in general. They include learning about cultures and politics and love. I've learned the importance of "knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt." I've learned that sometimes people choose to fool themselves into thinking that bad things aren't as bad as we were taught. I've learned that friendships can span oceans, miles and heartaches. I've learned that love is the most selfless thing in the world, and anyone that tries to tell you otherwise is lying to you. I've learned the importance of studying things out for yourself and then completely disecting the conclusion you've come to in order to be 200% sure. I've learned about the importance of building relationships with people around you. I've learned about how to embrace difference and celebrate different. I've learned that language is only a barrier to great things in life and sometimes people who speak the same language cannot communicate with each other. I've learned that you can be cold while living on a tropical island. I've learned the importance of sharing deep thoughts with others. I've learned the importance of trust. I've learned that unique is wonderful and should be praised correctly (yes, I do mean correctly, and I hope you know what I mean).

I've learned that it is possible to create bonds with people who are very different from you. I've learned how to grow despite lacking some form of nutrition, physical and spiritual (not recommended ;) ). I've learned that there are many people who do not understand their divine potential and inheritance. I've learned that the human spirit and hope are almost stronger than love. I've learned that happiness is the best way to live your life. I've learned that caring for someone does not require a two-way road. I've learned that sometimes you have to back away from a promise in order to grow and be safe. I've learned that duping yourself can cause more harm than good. I've learned the importance of appreciating the world that has been created for me to live in. I've learned that "studying it out for myself" empowers me to learn for myself. I've learned the importance of cherishing other's opinions. I've learned that music is a powerful media for messages. I've learned that sometimes, you should listen to the apprehensions in your gut. I've learned that parting causes sweet sorrow and allows for growth. I've learned that I'm not the world's foremost expert on good, uplifting songs... I've just had a headstart and am starting to see many people catch up and surpass me. I've learned that going out on a limb is not always as scary as it first seems. I've learned that faith is great, but the key to faith is to start taking the steps necessary for blessings and guidance to come. I've learned that it is okay to show other people that you have weaknesses and that you are human. I've learned that asking for help does not make you seem weaker. I've learned that there are many forms of maintaining contact with people. I've learned that opportunity does not come free. I've learned that growing up is something that even elderly people have left to do. I've learned that risks are okay to take from time to time. I've learned that variation leads to a wider perspective. I've learned that the road to self-discovery is well travelled but poorly mapped out. I've learned that trust is a precious commodity. I've learned that sometimes it's okay to not like friends. I've learned that jokes are precision tools that must be used with great care and skill. I've learned that the love of a child is almost as pure as Heavenly Father's love for us. I've learned that memories and emotions have many ways to be captured. I've learned the importance of accepting failure instead of trying to deflect the failure.

I've learned that writing blogs help others maintain contact with you. I've learned that the ocean is a good and bad thing. I've learned that ignorance usually is bliss, but it can also lead to stupidity and hurt. I've learned that there is a time for all things in life. I've learned that differences in language doesn't mean differences in hearts. I've learned that most people don't care about how you are doing when they ask; it's just become part of the ritual of greeting someone. I've learned that drinking water will make you a healthier person. I've learned that marriage status does not fully define a person. I've learned that laughter is one of the best ways to spend your time. I've learned that learning is life long and should never stop. I've learned that age is a number and unimportant. I've learned that stupidity comes in many forms, even courage. I've learned that people don't always know when they've bitten off more than they can chew until it's too late. I've learned that other people allow themselves to be influenced by their world around them. I've learned that it's okay if I can't stand on my own at times. I've learned that there are many ways to be healthy - appearance being one of the least of those ways. I've learned the importance of "the benefit of the doubt." I've learned that forgiveness is wonderful to experience when someone gives it to you. I've learned that sometimes you must work two jobs or more in life. I've learned that patience really is a virtue and must be practiced with care (trials are given liberally when asked for... believe me). I've learned about the importance of trying to see things from another person's point of view. I've learned that it is okay to analyze yourself as long as it isn't to find the negative things about yourself. I've learned that some days you've just got to dance and let go. I've learned that compliments are given in a genuine manner, and should be treated with respect and humility... but not in such a way that you make the compliment giver feel stupid for giving their compliment - just say thank you for it. I've learned that you don't always need to talk when you're around people. I've learned that talents are wonderful things that should be shared freely without thought of compensation or recognition. I've learned that sometimes, eating cookie dough really can make you happier.

I've learned that chick flicks can have substance and sometimes they're just stupid. I've learned how to appreciate how people interact in their worlds. I've learned the importance of receiving an education. I've learned that asking "why" is not a bad thing. I've learned that singing in the rain is a blast. I've learned that dreams are attainable, and the people who are active in the world are generally the dreamers who have their dreams come true. I've learned that people have funny things to talk about. I've learned that distractions aren't the worst thing in the world - they are tests to see how well you can maintain control on your thoughts and focus. I've learned that mind over matter works, but there are people who try to decry it. I've learned that happiness is a state of mind that you choose, and sometimes it's not always the easiest choice to make. I've learned that shouting "wahoo" is a fun way to celebrate things. I've learned that talents only take you so far, and the rest of the way comes from pushing through to the end. I've learned that writing about your life is important because memories fade and don't always work well. I've learned that caring can be shown in many forms. I've learned that simple things in life are important to enjoy. I've learned that giving in to someone else's wants is a good thing... usually. I've learned that meeting someone's family is exciting and scary at the same time. I've learned that pick-up sticks is a dangerous game when played with competitive people. I've learned that being repetitive won't always solidify something in your mind. I've learned that it's okay to act ridiculous. I've learned that learning is wonderful.

Bobbing in Waves

2006-01-17T12:08:00.000-10:00

It has always amazed me when and where I receive inspiration. Friends, being one of the most important things in my life, usually help a lot in times when I need to receive inspiration. Well, Emo and I decided that yesterday would be a perfect beach day, and walked across the street from my house to Hukilau. We got in the water, I was a wuss, and we bobbed around in the waves for about an hour. In that hour, we covered a lot. We covered friends who are dating, me dating, her dating, Provo, futures, confusions, missions, and a whole lot of other topics that otherwise may not have been broached.

Waves attacked both of us as we bobbed and talked about life in general. Tough questions were asked and answered. Emo even picked up a crab!!!! She saved it from the rolling waves, only to scream and throw it back into the ocean. And she picked it up again and chased me with it. I was just thinking that I didn't want to get pinched, but hey... she can think what she wants. For some reason, she was in a curious mood, and tried to pick up a stick looking thing, only to feel something completely unstick-like, and screamed again. She thinks it was feces, but I think it was funny. At random points, she and I both got huge waves that crashed down upon us, but we didn't let that keep us from playing in the ocean. Toward the end of our stay however, my feet became numb. I figured that might not be a good thing, so I convinced her that it was time to go. We showered off and crossed the street to get to my house, and ate lunch.

Inspiration came in realizing some things about my life and the lives of those around me that I hadn't seen before. I love getting other people's points of view on life; it helps me better frame my point of view.

Yesterday was a great day.

Once in a Lifetime

2006-01-17T09:38:00.000-10:00

For one lucky friend, the chance to win $450 worth of gift certificates from Walmart. For the other three, the privilage to pony up one $150 gift certificate to the winner.

This is a once in a lifetime race where heartache and trials are on the horizon.

The goal: be the first to give birth.

The contestants: Kelsey Olds, Elspeth Kuta, Rebecca Percy, Amanda Beard

~As a side note, we all decided that this would be a fun race. Of course you couldn't have a race without a prize, and all four of us agreed that we could give the winner a $150 gift certificate to Walmart. We realized that this would be a fun way to keep in touch through the next couple of years of people graduating, moving away and life in general happening. Yes, for those of you reading this post, it is a silly thing that we're racing toward, but hey, at least we aren't trying to lose our virginity first or something stupid like that. We just want birth first. =P I'm so gonna hear about that one, but it's okay. ^_^

Trying

2006-01-11T21:15:00.000-10:00

Could you let your hair down
And be transparent for a while
Just a little while
See if you're human after all
Honesty is a hard attribute to find
When we all want to seem like we've got it all figured out
I may be the first to say that I don't have a clue
I don't have all the answers
And God I pretend like I do just
Trying to find my way
Trying to find my way the best way that I know how

Well I haven't memorized all the cute things to say
But I'm working on it
Maybe I'll master this art for today
I'll quote all the lines off the top of my head
And you'd be
I don't understand all of these things I've read
I'm just trying to find my way
Trying to find my way
Trying to find my way the best way that I know how

Well I haven't drawn it or figured it out quite yet
But even if it takes my whole life
To get where I need to be
And if I should fall to the bottom of the end
I'll be one step back to you
I'm trying to find my way
Trying to find my way
Oh, I'm trying to find my way
Trying to find my way

~Lifehouse (Song of the Day)

X

2006-01-11T08:33:00.000-10:00

Ambiguous title... *gasps* Oh no, what's happening?

Well nothing really, just thought I'd stir things up a bit. So school on campus has finally started which means less time with friends. Kinda sad and kinda happy. Sad because I love my friends, they mean the world to me - they've become family out here. Happy because I can start doing more reading and game playing and all that jazz. Happy because I have the illusion of being able to get more sleep. Sleep is an illusion because I have housemates and sometimes they might be up late or whatever or I might just end up being out late with friends. I am quite excited for this time though. I actually got to sleep before midnight last night. =D Huge bonus. I feel so good and semi-refreshed. Yes, I still wish I were in bed right now, but that will pass. I'm prepping to put myself back onto a schedule too.

So I just wanted to type up a fun post for now. I'll do more later when my mind has finished it's daily morning defrosts.

Downpours and Confuzing Comics

2006-01-06T08:56:00.000-10:00

So my Friday has already has it's fair share of excitement, and all before 9 am. On my bike ride to work I was passing the temple when I started to feel rain drops on my face, but it's okay because I had put my ipod in my bad in a brief moment of brilliance on my part before leaving my house. Well, I had gone halfway past the temple when the sky opened up and just released all of its pent up moisture... on me. As entertaining as this might have been on any other day and at any other time, on my way to work is not exactly my idea of enjoying a downpour. I had no choice as this point but to push onward toward work. It did not take much time for all of my clothes to get soaked. Though I was a little upset about this (I know me, the rain lover upset because of getting caught in the rain), I figured out how I could manage to not return home and completely change. I mean, I would be at work later than I normally am... people would wonder I'm sure. So, everything worked according to my brilliance but my shirt has mud on it now. :( So bummed. I have decided that I will take my lunch break time to go home, assuming it's not raining again, to change into something else.

Now onto the second part of my title... confuzing (yes, I know that the correct spelling is confusing, but hey... a girl's gotta be creative somehow... okay really just sound it out instead, outloud... those that know me will hopefully understand how that is said) comics is bred from my daily ritual of cruising the webcomics and online manga and whatnot, when all of a sudden, one of my all time favorite ones throws me for a loop. I've read the strip three times already today, and I still don't get it. Well okay, it's just barely past 9 am but still. I don't get it. Especially the last frame. So confuzed, but with Monday comes another strip and hopefully an explaination. :D Yes, I'm a geek, and I don't care who knows. I mean, my life is kind of in a lull, so why can't I live vicariously through a webcomic that's completely fictional but brings a smile to my face everytime? Seriously, what better way to spend my time at work than to read and reread my online favorites?

Psych!!!! Fooled you didn't I? Oh well, at least the lull in my life part is real, but once school starts up I get the feeling that things will change for me quickly.

Things I've Been Told

2005-12-29T11:54:00.000-10:00

I'm at the point in my life where I need to start trying to figure out my next step, and you know, I've got no idea what that should be. I've got plenty of options and contacts, but I just don't feel inclined toward any one option right now. I want to be near my family because I miss them dearly, yet I'm being told to be selfish and do waht I want. I begin to think about being selfish, and I'm told to move closer to people who love me. ACK!!!!! Talk about frustrating. I have prayed about where my next step should be, and I don't get an answer. I really want to experience life, but really, I'm tired of not having someone to come home to. Well, here's the paradox, I'm happy right now being single. I'm happy that I can just do something on a whim and not confer with a spouse if it would be okay. There is really a lot that I can do when I'm done in Hawaii. Well, talking with another person, they pointed out that maybe I should stay in Hawaii for another year if I can. I don't know what's going on, but I do know that the Lord will give me light. I will know where I need to go, maybe right now is not the time for me to know. I have made a decision though, and that is to focus on bettering myself and working on my friendships. On this, I've had a friend tell me how lucky I am to be able to restart old hobbies. You know, he's right. I've thoroughly enjoyed getting back into reading and writing. I've been doing some sketching even. I even spend time to meditate and think, contemplate the mysteries of the universe, my universe.

I wonder if I'm just holding myself back. I wonder if I'm allowing fears to constrain me from doing that which I should be doing, or could be doing. This is something I haven't talked with anyone about, and I probably won't ever talk to anyone about. I already have a difficult enough time talking about where my future could lead me, mainly because everytime I do talk to someone, I think of yet another option I could go after and become more confused. I am very much not used to frequent change. I know, sad, but I grew up all in one place really. I was only in two different school districts growing up. I keep thinking that I've done plenty of jumps in life, but maybe I haven't done enough. I know that whatever choice I end up making, it will be a large jump. I really want to go back to Japan, but I get the feeling that if I do, I might miss something. Although, this is the first time that I've thought that that thought might be something planted by Satan to disuade me from going. Maybe Japan is the place I need to go next. I am so close to getting the language. Watching anime really has helped me. As strange as that might sound. Well, at this point I need to just go for something and see where the path pans out.

Song of the Day

2005-12-27T16:51:00.000-10:00

"All Falls Down" by Kanye West

Operation: Surprise!!!!!

2005-12-21T12:32:00.000-10:00

So, operation surprise was a success. I awoke this morning to my mom turning on the kitchen light to find that I was asleep (well, not really, but I was in her eyes) on the couch. :D It was so cool to hear her reaction when she saw me three days earlier than she thought she would. I've done quite a bit so far today, and you know, I don't think that this day will end anytime soon, which I'm grateful for.

Let me start with phase one of Operation: Surprise!!!!!

Phase one started way back in September when I purchased my plane ticket to come home. I plotted and schemed with my sisters about coming home early, and we came up with a plan that was nearly flawless. The one catch in the whole surprise was me. ^^; I can't remember how many times I almost blew the surprise. Even this past Sunday when I was talking with my parents I almost blew it multiple times. But, I succeeded in my part of the plan. I got to the airport yesterday and on the plane bound for my home state: Washington.

Phase two started with my little sister. She and her boyfriend were also in on the surprise, and they came to pick me up from the airport. Phase two was to pick up me and my luggage. I had no clue that both my sister and Tony, her beau, had had little sleep, and when I was bouncing off the walls in the airport, I didn't know how much it annoyed them to see me with so much energy. I was rocking out to my ipod while waiting for my luggage to come out of the carosel, and I didn't care if I was embarassing her or not. I love rocking out to music, but anyone who's been reading my blog can tell you that. So, after waiting for about an hour for luggage, phase two of Operation:Surprise!!!! was successful.

Phase three started when I arrived at my parents house. My little sister let me in through the basement, and I snuck upstairs to go sleep on the couch. Well, I guess my mom woke up around 4 am because of a headache, but you know, she thought that it was my little sister asleep on the couch, not me. :) A couple of hours later, she got up to take the dog for his walk, and my little sister heard her, so she came upstairs to throw her. Well, my mom was now curious as to who would be asleep on the couch, so she turned on the kitchen light, and SUPRISE!!!!!!! It was me on the couch, and she was so thrilled to see me early. It was awesome. I highly recommend surprising parents when you can. The reactions are priceless and things to remember. I woke up my dad, and he was surprised to see me too. It was quite entertaining to hear both of their reactions which were, "I thought you were coming on Friday."

Duh... I'm here now, not on Friday, so it's kind of moot to point out the fact that I was going to be here on Friday. It was such a great farce to play on my parents. I hope I can do it again in the upcoming years. Maybe with an engagement or a pregnancy. Hopefully pregnancy after marriage... j/k. Alright well, to all Mele Kalikimaka... Have a yourselves a merry little Christmas, and this will be my last post for a week or so. Which is about normal for me at this point.

MacGyver'd

2005-12-19T15:07:00.000-10:00

Today at work I broke my stapler. Brilliant, I know. The good news is I was able to jerry rig it so that it's working again. Woohoo!!!! I totally MacGyver'd it... used a screw driver and my fingers, I rock.

I leave for my parent's house tomorrow. I'm so excited. It's been a year since I've been in Washington, and once I leave, it'll probably be another year before I go back there. Right now, things in my life are great. I have a new place that is great, I have a great job, I have great friends, I am part of a great church. Finally, life is good. I know that the Lord watches out for me, I just become blinded by everyday life to His influence. Hmmm... strange post, I know, but hey, it's something.

A Commonality

2005-12-16T11:28:00.000-10:00

In my current job, I do a lot of writing about people. In reality, I never thought that I would be using my skills as a writer professionally, but I'm glad that I am right now. Mainly because I've begun to notice that people carry a lot of similarities. The students that I have been writing about are no different. Neither are the ones I cast as narrators during the campus' Jubilee week. This commonality is shared by many of the students and alumni from this place: not giving up on dreams. I know people dream all over the world, but more often than not, I find that not enough people try to see their dreams through to the end. I find that a good number of people throw their hands up part way onto the path of their dreams. It saddens me when I hear those stories. I am an eternal optimist. I like to see the brighter side of things, and recently I've tried to take it on myself to see the darker side of things for the soul purpose of being able to more enjoy the bright side of life.

There are exceptional people everywhere. There are exceptional people from everywhere. Well, if there were a place called "Everywhere" there would be some people from that place too. At any rate, I find that those who acheive great things in life fall share the commonality of chasing dreams.

Song of the Day

2005-12-06T13:59:00.000-10:00

"Good Enough" by Sarah McLachlan

Enter Mr. Green: Capt Caf's Nemesis

2005-12-06T13:42:00.000-10:00

On a night that was as unusual as the lunar calender, Capt Caf's daily adventures led her to a string of performances where she met that which would become her nemesis: Mr. Green. She was accompanied by two of her acquaintances, Saru and one who has no name. At the performances, people who she knew as peers, like the great OmegaDragonflyShem and the Trumpeter, showed off their musical abilities all the while Mr. Green floated and waited for his chance to attack. As the performance came to an end, Capt Caf and her friends decided that there was plenty of time left in the night to do some general ruckus and hanging out. After meeting Mr. Green, Capt Caf welcomed it with open arms into her group of friends, bringing the number up to three acquaintances instead of two.

The night continued on as the trio blissfully ignored Mr. Green. The concert came to a conclusion, and the group of friends wondered where next they should go. Saru came up with the idea for them to head over to a gaming club called the Rat Lab. This place was a happening club where only the best were allowed to come play. That night, quakes were felt as Capt Caf, Saru and the other one played their best in realms unfamiliar to them. All the while Mr. Green hovered and waited for his chance to strike at Capt Caf. It waited for when she paid little attention to it, and then struck. It swooped down from the sky to attack her. Perplexed at the attack, Capt Caf grabbed her head after being hit by Mr. Green. Saru and the other looked on in horror as they realized that they had allowed one of Capt Caf's enemies to get close enough to attack.

Helpless, the two friends watched as Capt Caf fought with Mr. Green... a loud bang noise could be heard in the Rat Lab, as all looked on at the defeat of Capt Caf's most powerful nemesis, Mr. Green. With its defeat, Capt Caf continued on in her night, combatting hunger and trying her hardest to distract Saru in his gaming.

I'm the Weird One

2005-11-30T22:10:00.000-10:00

What Bleach Character Are You?

Hosted by theOtaku.com: Anime. Done right.

Simple Inspritation

2005-11-30T13:05:00.000-10:00

"BYU-Hawaii is a faith and testimony builder for me... forget about who you are but blend in with the spirit of Aloha [and] with the different cultures. Love your life and love those around you." - A Student

Song of the Day

2005-11-30T10:53:00.000-10:00

"Don't Tell a Man About His Woman" by Jack Teagarden

Teaching Us About Love

2005-11-22T15:59:00.000-10:00

What does Love mean?

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds,
"What does love mean?"

The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
Rebecca-age 8

When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."
Billy- age 4

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."
Karl - age 5

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."
Chrissy -age 6

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
Terri - age 4

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."
Danny - age 7

"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss"
Emily- age 8

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."
Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,"
Nikka - age 6
(we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."
Noelle - age 7

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."
Tommy - age 6

"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."
Cindy - age 8

"My mommy loves me more than anybody . You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."
Clare - age 6

"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."
Elaine -age 5

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."
Chris - age 7

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."
Mary Ann - age 4

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."
Lauren - age 4

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you."
(what an imagination) Karen - age 7

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross."
Mark - age 6

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."
Jessica- age 8

And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbour was an elderly
gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbour, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry"

Song of the Day

2005-11-17T14:47:00.000-10:00

"In Dis Life" by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole

Concerning Words

2005-11-08T09:37:00.000-10:00

Anyone can create, anyone can destroy.
Thoughts, written or verbal
Come to those who listen.
Hearing, interpreting, comprehending
Is challenging to all the world.
More than mothers can create
And more than guns can destroy.
Just once is all it takes,
One misplaced listen.
As does happen,
A fleeting moment changes the outcome.
How many more will come,
Destroying ties and weakening bonds?
Good timing and placement
Brings about greater reactions and deeper smiles.
Good and bad, healthy and harmful,
Nothing but opposites co-existing
In a paradoxical world.
When will this riddle end?

Song of the Day

2005-11-04T22:48:00.000-10:00

"Spend My Always" by Kirk Franklin.

You know I've had some lonely days
I've made mistakes and had to pay
I've had some friends that walked away
Just like mama told me
But there's someone who's love is real
who cares about the way I feel (I know you feel)
every pain that erased every stain
there's peace when call out your name

Jesus you're my everything
the cross you did that just for me
for everytime you brought me through
I promise you
I'll spend my always with you

No one can touch my heart like you
Or make me smile the way you do
I finally found someone who
Who really truly loves me
but when my strength has come and gone
Your life in me it makes me strong
Your hand is where my heart belongs
You took all my pain and erased every stain.

Jesus my whole life has changed
since that day I cried your name
for everytime you brought me through
I promise you I'll spend my always with you

Life Should be a Musical

2005-10-27T11:41:00.000-10:00

Sit and ponder with me for a moment, the idea of having your life be a musical. Now, who hasn't gotten the tunes from a Broadway or Disney musical stuck in your head at one point or another? If you say you haven't, I'd bet you just don't know it yet. How many of you have sat down at some point in your life and just wanted theme music to be playing in the background?

Now, as some of you know, I wrote my senior paper on the effects of music on people, and you know what, I still hold firm to my beliefs that music can affect people for good and bad.

Even more, I think that life should have theme music playing in the background. Hehe, how funny would that be to see people walking around with their own personal music playing around them? Yes, some people would have more somber music playing as they walk down the street and others might have violent music playing around them, but still, it'd be cool. It'd be so cool to see people randomly break out in song too. Reminds me of a Bjork video, "It's Oh So Quiet," where an entire city acts like they're in a Broadway musical.

Of course, there would be problems with noise levels and people wanting privacy... yada yada yada. And then there might be people who complain and whatnot, but there's nothing more theraputic than belting a song that you enjoy whether or not you sing well. In fact, I have plenty of theme songs for my life, and they're constantly evolving.

Sometimes I think the iPod commercials got it right when they show people breaking out in song and dance randomly in life. And who knows, in a world where daily life turns into a musical and people have theme music, maybe there might be more understanding and peace. Maybe there will be less miscommunication, and less depression because people get their feelings out. I think that's one large problem in today's society: people don't know how to get out their feelings, emotions, thoughts, hurts, etc. These are things that are important to the individual, and more often than not, very important to those who love them. As lofty as this sounds, it might even decrease the amount of abuse, divorce, and overall pain that goes on in life. Now, I know that with the choice to be a part of this life, we also chose the pain that comes with it, but at the same time, how much of that pain is something that we take upon ourselves but could be avoided?

Right now, in my life, I have about 600 theme songs that I cycle through. Some have words, and some don't. Some fit my mood perfectly while others only fit one particular memory. There is something about music that anchors itself within a person's memory. Music helps with memorization, helps with increasing thinking and development. How can those things be ignored by most people and get brushed aside? Music helps each individual uniquely. It is a basic theory, but at the same time vital in my life, and that is the fact that music plays an integral role in every person's life.

And people who have developed theme songs, that's even better. With those theme songs, a glimpse into their thinking comes through. It shows how they esteem themselves and even more, how they esteem others. Yet still, music is slighted, distorted, interpreted incorrectly, and disregarded. I guess in the end all of this is just the opinion of a person like anyone who reads this. Still, who can deny the influence of music in their lives?

Battosai Meets Captain Caf... dum, dum, dum

2005-10-10T09:55:00.000-10:00

Chapter 4: Battosai Meets Captain Caf

Skipping a chapter in the annuls of Captain Caf's adventures, the mystical third roommate had an interesting encounter one balmy afternoon. On her way to recharge her energy with some high quality french vanilla frozen energy, she and some friends met up with an unique tiny creature on their journey. At this meeting, she was intrigued and captivated by this thing, small yet brave enoughto venture up to the much larger creature that Capt. Caf is. This bravery impressed her so that she broke out Kokoro and tried herself to capture the essence of this amazing little creature. The tall friend of Capt. Caf looked to the miniscule mammal, and decided that for it to be worth recognizing, it needed a naming ceremony.

Circling around the three friends, the mammal looked up once at the tall friend, and she named it in an instant. "Die Battosai!!!!" she said as she giggled and watched the thing meander around her and her friends. As she said that, she realized that Battosai was now looking at her with approval of the name it was given after the ceremony. To prove its ferocity and that the name fit, the creature laid down in the road and attacked our feet. Once again intrigued by this behavior, Capt. Caf took out Kokoro again and captured some more of Battosai's essence.

Four legs, furry and colored with blacks and whites and a fifth leg that stood straight up when pleased, this new creature, Battosai as it was newly named, decided that Capt. Caf and her friends were now it's friends and started to follow them on their journey for refreshment and energy. This puzzled Capt. Caf and her friends. With each step brought this tiny adventurer farther away from where we met it. The confusion increased as the three friends tried to fend off the advances of Battosai, and encouraged it back toward it's home. The more steps the friends took, the more steps Battosai took.

When we stopped, it stopped. When we walked faster, it trotted to catch up with us. It nearly tripped the tall one on many occasions. As each step brought the three closer to the frequently travelled road, Battosai was faithfully following them. Nothing they did kept the little Battosai away for long. Whether it took time to groom itself or the tall one tried to chase it off, Battosai was making every effort it could to stay faithful and true to it's newly adopted companions. If the tall ones, in it's eyes, moved their legs faster, it would trot to catch up to them. If the tall ones stopped to turn around, Battosai became encouraged and ran to catch up.

As the frequently travelled path was nearing, the trio thought that they would lose their tiny shadow as soon as the roars would deter it. Alas, Battosai kept up their pace. To their astonishment, it even followed them across the busy path and to the sandy shore just outside the house of one of the Capt's friend's house. This tiny creature began to intrigue the three as much as the three intrigued it. Lost and lonely seeming, Battosai stuck close to Capt. Caf and her friends while they wandered around the yard of the house. The quest for energy came up short for the friend whose house they journeyed to was locked, and she had no key to enter. In another attempt to get rid of Battosai, the tall friend began to kick sand at the poor creature. As the sand swirled around it's face, Battosai once again grew fierce and attacked the poofs of sand around it. The trio had a tough decision to make now, for none of them could take the poor creature and care for it even though, despite themselves, they grew attached to the small creature.

Realizing what they need to do, the three walked their four-legged friend back to where they first met it. They tried everything they could think of to get Battosai to stay at its house. They walked it to its yard, yet it walked back to them. They put it in its yard, yet it walked back to them. They put it farther in the yard, yet it still walked back to them. Finally, a fourth friend walked up and greeted the group, and saw the comical situation in front of her as the three tried to run off the tiny, furry one. The fourth friend watched for about five more minutes before she tried something. She scooped up Battosai, now called "Little Prick" by the tall one, and with the help of Capt. Caf, deposited the little creature back into its yard and in an old garden. After they put back Battosai... er, Little Prick, the two ran as fast as they could to get away from the tiny creature so as to not have it follow them again.

With that, the four friends happily walked away knowing that they would no longer have a shadow follow them. Some sorrow followed because they four had grown attached to their tiny friend. Its bravery and loyalty amazed them. And thus ends another chapter in the anuls of our illustrious superhero and her life on the emerald land in the middle of the sapphire land. May Battosai... Little Prick, have the best life available for a kitten of his valor.

A Blog to Write a Post On

2005-10-06T22:06:00.000-10:00

So, I've been thinking, and as a very wise, missionary friend of mine once said to me, "Mandie, you think too much."

Well, he actually said that to me on many occasions, but once seemed to fit for some reason. Anyways, I'll go into language in another post maybe. I know I'm about a week late, and even farther behind than some other bloggers out there, but I want to know what y'all think about this past conference. Other than the almost obligatory comments that we take as reminders to better ourselves, what things struck a chord in your soul? Did the comments about the Mexican family who, though devoid of comforts like shoes, were sealed together in the Mesa, Arizona temple cause you to reflect on the fact that possessions aren't the keystone to a wholesome life? Did anyone take Elder Holland's remarks and apply them in places where things were left unsaid but implied? Did President Hinckley's mention of new temple projects impress anyone and awe others at the speed with which this church is growing?

If anyone felt deeply impacted, I would love to hear about it if it isn't something precious and thus should be kept within for now. Random thoughts or conversations, post conference, are also welcome.

One of my thoughts and realizations is the fact that there are serious problems within the church and our priesthood leaders in Salt Lake are aware of them, almost perfectly. It reinforced my testimony of the truthfulness of this Gospel, because how else can elderly gentlemen truly have an understanding for the life of a woman in this bizarre, backwards and shallow world?

Song of the Day

2005-09-29T16:20:00.000-10:00

"Mystery" by Brooke Fraser

Dueling Worlds

2005-09-24T21:34:00.000-10:00

Looking around, she sees the same things and people that she has for years now. Thoughts and fantasies dance through her mind as she stockes the shelves in front of her. The occasional hello is murmured as she dances on the line between the real world and the one she created. The daily monotony melts away for her while dancing. The people and their impersonal greetings fall on deaf ears while the genuine images of her inner world create warmth. The grimness and false pretenses of her "real" life never fully touch her in this state. Her polyester shirt doesn't fit her wrong while she's in this place of comfort. Sweat doesn't roll down her back, nor do the nasty comments of customers who think she's owes them her world touch her. Rude co-workers and condesending managers don't treat her like scum. Debt and depression don't marr her conscious.

In her world, she is openly valued. In her world, she works out of love not obligation to the world's view of survival. Courtesy and kindness are the important attributes of a person not their looks and accomodating of others. The most beautiful thing in her world is the person's inner soul and spirit she sees. Their talents and emotions and thoughts paint breath taking pictures of greater quality than the greatest artist in the "real" world. Her hopes aren't dashed upon the rocky shores of nay-sayers in this realm within. Loneliness and sorrow fail to penetrate the thick walls that protect this inner world while she works on fine tuning the self she desires to see in the mirror. This workplace within has the safeguarding of friends and other loved ones that constantly encourage her to build herself up.

The dance of refining oneself is precarious and cumbersome. It is difficult to sift through the negative and positive to find the real truth. Filters for these things are created daily in order for people to gain the perspective they desire to see themselves in. At times, the more stubborn ones never give into the "real" world 's views of who and what they should be. Other times, the weaker ones succumb to the pressures of the "real" world and end up causing themselves misery and pain, and worse, sorrow in depression. The coldness of the "real" world leaves too many in it to lose true perspective and only see the carnival mirror images of themselves. The forge of life creates the world within us that is framed and founded on the love, kindness and friendship of others. One's true life is not the one where we allow ourselves to be bogged down by the negative forces swirlling around us daily. True life comes from within, and is reinforced daily by the caring of others. It is the armor that protects us from the customers who insist on being jerks. It is the boots that allow us to kick away the grimy filth of demeaning comments from others. It is the shades that keeps our vision from being blurred from the false light of "real" life. The true world comes from within each of us, and should never be found in neglect or disarray. Maintain it and nurture it until you feel strong enough to take on the "real" world and win. Maintain it to the point where you realize that the strongest element in both worlds is the faith in the One who loves us most.

Song of the Day

2005-09-21T15:38:00.000-10:00

"Something More" by Sugarland.

Monday, hard to wake up
Fill my coffee cup, I'm out the door
Yeah, the freeway's standing still today
It's gonna make me late, and thats for sure
I'm running out of gas and out of time
Never gonna make it there by nine

Chorus:
There's gotta be something more
Gotta be more than this
I need a little less hard time
I need a little more bliss
I'm gonna take my chances
Taking a chance I might
Find what I'm looking for
There's gotta be something more

Five years and there's no doubt
That I'm burnt out, I've had enough
So now boss man, here's my two weeks
I'll make it short and sweet, so listen up
I could work my life away, but why?
I got things to do before die

Repeat Chorus

Some believe in destiny, and some believe in fate
I believe that happiness is something we create
You best belive that I'm not gonna wait
'Cause there's gotta be something more

I get home 7:30 the house is dirt, but it can wait
Yeah, 'cause right now I need some downtime
To drink some red wine and celebrate
Armageddon could be knocking at my door
but I ain't gonna answer thats for sure.
There's gotta be something more!

Deja Vu

2005-09-19T14:04:00.000-10:00

I had the strongest feeling of deja vu just now, that I've ever had. One of my co-workers had to leave the office for about 5 minutes, and he told me that some people might come while he was gone. As strange as it is, when he told me that he'd be leaving, I looked up at my computer screen and felt that I had done that before. In fact, I almost felt like I should have been pregnant. I think I dreamed that situation once a while back. Very strange. Shadows and impressions telling and showing me things I have no real business knowing about right now. I have always been an advocate of dreamers and those who see visions. Even now, I feel as if I should have a little one growing within me. I have always figured that the more deja vu's I experience, I must be on the right path toward something. Deja vu, in my opinion, is a weakening of the veil, a way for Heavenly Father to let us know that we're doing something right and good. A way for Him to tell/show us that He approves.

I know what some of you may be thinking, and NO! I'm not pregnant. There isn't anything I should share with you, my friends, that I haven't already. My weekend job has not caused any temporal affects. =P

Double Deuce

2005-09-18T22:02:00.000-10:00

Well, I've hit another day of birth on another year. This year's birthday day has been extremely memorable. I had a super busy day at work, filled with interviews, teleprompting and a tasty luncheon. The night was incredible. My friends out here threw me the coolest birthday bash. Met a couple of really cool people at that bash. Had some awesome pictures taken, and just felt full for the first time in a long time. I was treated wonderfully by my co-workers/friends and my other friends. I could really feel the love they feel toward me on that day. Thinking about some of the things people said to me really warms my heart. I have a co-worker who loves my crooked smile (bane of my existence), and I have other friends who consistantly point out my beauty (yes, I'm really that thick and stupid to think otherwise). Now, as my best friend put it perfectly, I'm double deuce. What that means, only this upcoming year will tell. In the end, I have a world in front of me, an amazing heritage behind me, and many, many unwritten pages left to fill with my thoughts, ideas, memories, emotions, photos, and people I meet along life's path.

BitterSweet.... or SweetTart?

2005-09-13T11:27:00.000-10:00

The coolest thing happened to me today. I decided I probably should take a look at plane tickets home today seeing as how I want to go home for Christmas, and I can afford it. So I tried Yahoo!Travel which wasn't cooperating with me at all. Jerks! And then I tried Hotwire. Well, to my surprise, I found a ticket on Hotwire for $419 roundtrip!!!!! Dude, that's $200 cheaper than the cheapest tickets I was looking at a month or so ago. I'm so excited!!!! I then decided that I would surprise my parents by telling them one date, a couple of days later, and then miraculously being there early. :D This will so rock! I've always wanted to surprise them this way but have never been able to until now. So that's the sweet part of this day.

The bitter part is having Gummie Bear leave this evening, and I can't see him off because I work this evening at Domino's. Probably the only time that I'll ever be pissed off because I have this second job of mine. I was really bummed last Friday when he told me that he was leaving perminantly. I mean, crying and boo-hooing sad. I'll really miss him. My one real male contact for affection and cuddles who doesn't look deeper than friendly affection. Well, the grindstone is rattling my chain telling me to get back to work.

Is this day bittersweet or sweettart? Ask me in December after I've returned from being home for Christmas. ;)

Song of the Day

2005-09-09T21:13:00.000-10:00

"Collide" by Howie Day

Doing the Unusual Again

2005-09-09T15:16:00.000-10:00

Well, I once again did it... I sought out a guy to ask on a date. I don't really like the nervous butterflies that choak me as I try to get words out while on the phone. The apprehension of hearing the reply, even the apprehension of just waiting to hear if someone is going to pick up on the other line. It's always worse when you know the person. For some strange reason it is. Yes though, I am a forward thinking girl in that I'm willing to ask a guy out on a date. It's frustrating though to have no's left and right. Of course, the dumbest thing is when I kind of shove the responsibility of planning something for my benefit onto someone else. That's idiocy and just down right inconsiderate. I'm an idiot. Man, I so want to date though. I enjoy having fun on dates and whatnot. This sucks. Well, back to the abyss for me. I'll resurface sometime again for dating purposes I'm sure. One of these days........

A Thought Born of Isolation

2005-09-07T13:23:00.000-10:00

How can you capture a dream?

Simply Put....

2005-09-01T09:16:00.000-10:00

Memories alway stir up forgotten or surpressed emotions and thoughts.

On the Inside/On the Outside

2005-08-30T14:57:00.000-10:00

I am an explorer.
I tend to hide.
I strive to be better.
I stumble & fall.
I keep my standards high.
I often make exceptions.
I have a voice that soars.
I volunteer to mute myself.
I see black & white everyhwhere.
I acknowledge a world of color.
I know that all have inherent good.
I focus on their bad sides.
I constantly question.
I roll over easily.
I have firm morals.
I open to other's ideals.
I have no doubts about who I am.
I lean toward constantly changing.
I am a person loved.
I crave someone's explicit attention.
I thrive in private places.
I thrive around many.
I create beauty and wonder.
I develop better ways to see stick figures.
I know the sun will rise and warm the new day.
I wait to see and feel.
I am an angel.
I brandish my pitchfork.
I want to experience all life has to offer.
I shy away and hesitate from new expriences.
I am frail and unsure.
I am strong and confident.

Song of the Day

2005-08-25T15:15:00.000-10:00

"Untitled" by Simple Plan.

Life's Little Surprises

2005-08-25T14:43:00.000-10:00

All of us have experienced life's little surprises. My niece, Ariel, is one for my older sister :D. Anyway... I have come to a point where I drew myself apart enough to find those small things that enhance the beauty of life's little surprises. One surprise that I've discovered is that there are people in the world who will give genuine feedback about the kind of person that you are. Sometimes it seems like they are laying it on thickly, but in the end, it's just truth. This happened to me today, but I loved it. Another little surprise I got was hearing my boss, voice full of confidence, assign me a task that is big time. :) This week is teleprompter training in my office because we got new equipment to play with. Chalk up one for the techie chick!!!!! 8-)

Okay... so I'm really sleepy right now which would indicate that maybe I should end my entry at this point. This sentence in parting: Know that even though life enjoys throwing curveballs to all us batters, figure out how to overcome the curveball (suprise, if you didn't pick up on the metaphor) and find those things in life that enhance it. You only have one life to live.

A Day of Randomness

2005-08-22T15:32:00.000-10:00

Finally, after a couple of weeks of sorrows and deep thoughts, I have a couple of days of light-hearted joy and funnies. Saturday was a day of firsts. First time I swam with a sea turtle, first time I had a guy lay on my bed (which was weird because of the Honor Code I upheld and cherished for three years), and first time I went to work and got rewarded for a job well done. Sunday was a cool and mellow day while today had the funnies. This morning, I met a new faculty member and co-worker. Great man who's helping in the progress of the TV studio. My first impression was of a grump, but when I started actually talking with him, he turned out to be awesome. Now, today I experienced a couple of funnies revolving around this one man. He is helping me with a project I have for work, and after we were done with doing some more brainstorming, he started asking me about me. I told him my name, where I'm from, and then he asked about my husband. =D Here's the best part, when I told him I was single, he started pitching his son to me. After he pitched his son to me, and a deep blush, he told me about a daughter of his who keeps telling him that people have to have something more in common than the fact that they're single. :D Well anyways, "laugh with me! Laugh with me!" *giggles* Yep... totally feelin' the randomness right about now.

Song of the Day

2005-08-19T11:37:00.000-10:00

"I Want to Live" by Josh Gracin

Epiphanies

2005-08-17T09:42:00.000-10:00

These come, for me, when I least expect them but need them the most. Epiphany, by definition, is a sudden clear meaning of something... usually life changing. Well, I had one yesterday that I hope will change my life such that I can finally grab the ladder that has been lowered for me to use to climb out of this hole I've fallen into. This epiphany... "be still and know that I am God."

Share some epiphanies of yours. As many as you think of.

Song of the Day

2005-08-16T15:50:00.000-10:00

"Breathe (2 am) " by Anna Nalick

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe,

In May he turn 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
Just today he sat down to the flask in his fist,
"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it.

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe... just breathe,

There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
woah breathe, just breathe,
oh breathe, just breathe.

Song of the Day x 2

2005-08-09T10:28:00.000-10:00

"My Front Porch Looking In" by Lonestar & "Scars" by Papa Roach.

Transported Away

2005-08-05T16:40:00.000-10:00

Listening to certain songs always take me to places in my soul that usually remain dormant or forgotten. The imagination takes away the physical boundaries around and replace them with emotions and shadows of forms. It creates a world where you know it's not quite right, but there is something in this created world that needs to be explored and understood. Old wounds, now healing scars, still carry with them memories so vivid and overwhelming that these songs I hear cause me to return to a place where something that evokes the memories of wounding comes forth.

Is it a bad thing? Not at all because ultimately, if we have laid our wounds onto the Saviour's shoulders then we have nothing to worry about in reminiscing. There is nothing wrong with allowing an outside force to help us remember our mortality and that we have experienced things in this life that are unique and precious to us. The art of daydreaming is sold short anymore. There is nothing wrong with someone how imagines emotions that occur in a jousting arena even though they've never been there, nor is there anything wrong with imagining hiking up Machu Pichu. I have always known that music has a unique quality to help people become in tune with the Spirit more. If you don't believe me, put in a song that has memories attached to it and truly listen to the words and the instruments and how they interact with each to make up the song.

There are songs that help us remember that our humanity is frail, wonderful and especially a blessing. There are songs that help us purge feelings of anger, frustration and sorrow. There are songs that if we aren't careful, can draw us into a place where instead of placating the negative, it feeds it. These are random thoughts that I'm having as I listen to many songs that I've discovered myself in. I always catch myself stopping as the song takes me to a place where I can see clearer about myself. People have said that minds are terrible things to waste, but I would argue that an imagination and a place within oneself to truly see themselves is a tragic waste if lost. Part of the journey to know thyself is to find what helps you meditate. For me it's music, for another person it's complete silence. Yet others find their solace in the chatter and laughter of children.

The beauty that this life has to offer is that we can cater to our needs. Never settle for just getting by... in my opinion you're already on your way down. Never placate yourself into thinking that the sky is too high because it never will be. Heavenly Father wants us to exceed all the expectations out there for us, find yourself as best you can. You will never stop finding yourself, but one day, you'll hear something and find yourself on a plane where your hurts are objects to gaze upon and lives unfold into works of art and value. Let yourself be transported away to find yourselves. The Gospel is true.

Small Desk, Beautiful View

2005-08-03T12:28:00.000-10:00

As life spins and tosses me, I just look out my window to gaze upon views that rival any a person has seen. I have been discovering songs of late that keep pulling me up from feeling sorry for myself and closer to feeling more secure on my two feet. Until this past month, I hadn't known what I was getting myself into moving out and learning to become self-reliant. No one can prepare you for the fear and faith it takes to make that leap out to be on your own. I wonder if there are those of you out there in Blogger world who can sympathize with me... or even basically understand. It's so different knowing that you don't have a "home" to go to once the summer comes around or the Christmas holiday time. Actually, it's just weird realizing that you don't have a home like you'd think about normally. I have a place I pay rent for. A place where I have some friends.... but for the most part I've joined the nomadic ranks of Gypies. Yes, I have been going through much hurt and confusion right now. Yes, I am not where I would like to be nor where I wish I could be, but at the same time I know the Lord has been watching over me like a hawk. I have had more help in this life I call mine than I give acknowledgements for. And, maybe I've just been too locked down into my hurting to realize that things aren't as bad as I think they have been.

So, tying in the title of this post... my desk area is about three feet by four feet... really small. I don't really need much space because I don't take up much space. However, there are two redeeming qualities to my area in my office: the view from my chair out the window, and the people I share my cubicle with. The view always catches my breath because you never know what you'll see... hills enshrouded by rain clouds or crystal blue sky highlighting the levels of the hills. The people I work with are just plain awesome. Great sense of humors and just pleasant to be around in general.

In the end... it's not so bad really. There are confusing parts and stressful parts. Parts that hurt and parts that cause tears, but that's nothing special. The parts are special, but the things that go on resulting from the parts aren't unique. We all have pains, hurts, losses, confusions, laughter... happies. It's life.

Things Once Loved

2005-08-02T12:55:00.000-10:00

Of late I'm realizing that I do not enjoy the things I used to. Writing doesn't engage me as much, gaming doesn't draw me in and neither do books for that matter. It's strange how the things I am used to going toward for enjoyment bore me. I try to maintain my focus on the tasks at hand, yet my mind wanders further and further. Blogging is something I do now to empty my mind more than maintain contact or express my creativity. I very much feel like a sailboat without a rudder in a storm. There are so many amazing things in my life right now, and I am genuinely bored with the life I have. I'm working two jobs so I can stay afloat. I foolishly purchased a car before paying off my rent. Now... I'm just biding time for something to happen. I crave for something to happen. Wish for it to grace my doorstep. Sarah thinks it is because I'm trying too hard. Maybe I'm just suffering from Overacheiver meltdown.

Anyone own Life? I sure need one.

Interactions, pt. 5

2005-07-30T17:28:00.000-10:00

With this thought in mind, I sat and waited for the noises to begin again. Like clockwork, the noises and glowing started up again. Excited, I grabbed my notebook and ran toward the glowing. Thinking that I had figured out the mystery to the earlier disappearance, I began to feel great confidence in my supposed discovery. While sitting near the glow, it slowly crept toward me. I didn't even notice the air around me lighten bit by bit because I was so engrossed in recording my thoughts and findings. By the time I realized that something was going on, it was much too late to do a thing. Completely enveloped in the light, I began to feel drowsy and my thoughts came as garbled and butchered words. The last thing I remember thinking of that night was when I would head off to bed.

I awoke to the pinched face of a child no older than eight or nine turns. Varying shades of black wrapped around me again as that pinched face haunted the darkness of loosing consciousness again. My next conscious moment was spent trying to communicate with a man poking and proding me with strange medical instruments. As I began to realize that the words I tried to use were coming out as moans and garbbled gibberish, I let go of my fear and apprehension for the time being. Slowly, I moved my head to try and take in my surroundings. The man looked like men from where I knew as home. His mannerisms were quite odd, but nothing I hadn't become accustomed to in my studies of communications back on the Reservation. Something that completely threw me off was the way that the doctor kept his distance from the one nurse that was helping, and I use helping in a very liberal sense.

The doctor walked away as his nurse came to me seeming very distressed. Confused, I once again tried my hand at communicating. More moans came out of my mouth, but I was at least able to form enough words to have the nurse look puzzled more than distressed. I found out later that the nurse was afraid of me because of the strange noises I was making while the doctor was checking me out. No idea what kind of noises I might have been making, but I thought at the time that that was a strange thing to be concerned about.

Song of the Day

2005-07-29T09:47:00.000-10:00

"Existentialism on Prom Night" by Straylight Run

BYU-Hawaii Security is Gonna Die

2005-07-22T12:25:00.000-10:00

So, another day in the annuals of my life here at BYU-Hawaii, and I'm ready to get someone fired. Why, you might ask? Well, it all started with a parking ticket that has turned into someone following me while driving. Oh, and I'm pissed. I was even followed off campus. So... how is BYU-Hawaii Security gonna die, you might be wondering... well, they aren't as a whole. Just the lady that is always rude. My first run in with her was when I was just a wee little sophmore here, and it was my first semester out here. She was rudely accusing me and group of friends of being bad Mormons because we were up late watching LOTR, the first one no less. Well, that about cooked my bacon back then in that I was rearin' and ready for a fight to get that knocked off.

This time around... I'm out lookin' for some blood. This is ridiculous. I was accused of trespassing. Trespassing!!!! I drove through TVA in order to not have to drive all the way around the big circle... apparently not a kosher thing to do. There was nothing posted stating that there was no trespassing. Nothing posted in the parking lot where I got my parking ticket either. No notification anywhere to be seen. So, what am I going to do? Fight until they knock that stupid thing off of Clover or have someone's job canned. This is ridiculous. I swear, if I go back to where Clover is parked to find it not there, or with another ticket... it's going to be blood. I will not be pegged for this. *Breathes in & out*

Interactions, pt. 4

2005-07-21T16:26:00.000-10:00

The first day passed uneventful as I gathered data on the explosion, but as night came, glowing could be seen from the affected area. This worried me for I did not know what the glowing could possibly mean other than a sure way to keep me from ever being able to study the Waia. Preparing to sleep for the night, rustling noises began to come from outside my tent and disturbed my relaxation. Fighting fear and curiosity, I searched out my journal for the light the blast area gave off was bright enough to see so I could write about the noises I had heard.

Writing about the noises somehow made them cease. This I also recorded so as to be sure that I would not miss even the smallest detail to take back. The Waia were known to be peculiar people in their obsession with details. Sometime while I was recording the details of the mysterious light, I fell asleep, pen in hand and sitting upright. I awoke the next morning a change in my surroundings. I was still in the same area as the previous night, but there was no evidence of a blast to be seen. Worried, I scoured my notes to be sure that something had been there, and I wasn't dreaming. Sure enough, I was able to find my notes from the previous day on the blast area.

Seeing that I had not imaged the blast site, I decided that I should go back out to try and find any evidence of the event from yesterday. While I explored the area I had recorded in my notes, I found nothing to be out of the ordinary. No sorch marks, no debris, not even an indent in the ground that would even indicate that a blast would have happened years ago. Overcome by this enigma, I went back to my camp to try and think about where the blast area had gone to. I poured over my notes endlessly hoping to find an answer. The sun set the dusk sky ablaze with purples and oranges as I had finished going through my notes for the umpteenth time that afternoon. Just before I gave up, a thought struck me; what if the noises had something to do with the disappearance.

Betrayal

2005-07-18T12:16:00.000-10:00

How many times will I do this to her? I feel awful every single time, and after the previous time, I think that this time I won't hurt her like I did before. I still do. Once again, instead of just being the bigger person and telling her to go have fun, I become petulant and feel left out. Each time I tell myself that I need to stop. I pray hard in order to help change to happen. I hurt her again this afternoon. The stupid me that I am. I was doing so well too. She'll let it go I hope. Somehow, I've become way too attached to her; it's weird. Uncomfortable too. Maybe I'm just misreading myself completely, and it's just me being overwhelmingly happy for her. I totally am too. I need to stop pinch-hitting in the emotional box. It's gonna kill our friendship before too long. I can see it in her eyes.

Interactions, pt. 3

2005-07-15T17:08:00.000-10:00

In my travellings around the continent, I found many words and actions to be characteristic of the area. The more time I spent in an area, the more I realized how the ways people interacted were framed by the culture they were a part of. Years passed and my thurst to understand this phenomenon grew more and more passionate. I started first with the peoples located on the Reservation and recorded the many things I learned and observed there. I was with one tribe, when disaster struck. This disaster turned into the catalyst that began my journey into the strange world that tore itself apart because of my presence.

The little village that consisted of the Waia tribe was more complex than many of the larger tribes I had visited in the Reservation. I had barely been given permission by the tribal leaders to begin living among them, when an explosion erupted near the border of the village. The tribal leaders saw this a sign to fear that my presence among their people would bring disaster, so they devised a plan to have me go to the area where the explosion took place in order to put my observation skills to use and see if I couldn't figure out what had happened and if there were any further threat. Well, being so anxoius to have the opportunity to live among these people was the driving force in my acceptance. Whether a choice made in rash youth or one made out of my supposed lust for this opportunity, to this day I cannot tell, but I do know that that choice was one of the last ones I would make in this world.

The day came for me to set out for the explosion area, and I reluctantly rechecked my rucksak for the supplies I knew I would need. Thinking that my journey would last a day or two, I brought supplies accordingly, including enough to record on for a week. Of course, this would not be close to enough to cover the time that I was gone. I started off toward the borderland thinking that the explosion would just be another vehicle vandalized by some troublemakers. The sun hits its zenith as I saw the first signs of the explosion. As I glanced at the charred ground, I saw that the blast radius wasn't as large as the noise made it out to be. I set my camp up ten paces away from the edge of the blast so I could make visual observations while still being close enough to do some studying of the debris left.

Interactions, pt. 2

2005-07-13T19:05:00.000-10:00

In the following time that I spent in this strange place, the people and their culture began to unravel before me. The rare friendships that few people had with each other fell apart. Any romance people had turned into betrayal, and all this while I was honored, not blamed. Men and women, old and young... all reacted the same to me. No one was left untouched by this unusual phenomenon. It knew no class difference, no gender or racial difference. In fact, as I write this chronicle of what went wrong, I realized that though people's skin color varied, there was no conscious differing based on skin tone either.

This journey brought about much discovery about myself, especially the moments when I saw myself react to the customs of this world that I was unfamiliar with. Shock and awe were experienced side by side with fear and outrage. Some things I saw were worse than what John saw before me as an outsider to a civilization similar to this one. Oh John; I remember our talks together as he purged his thoughts of the nightmarish world of the World State. With picture-like words John would take in whoever would listen. Some people at the Reservation even thought him mad after hearing of his experiences.

No longer will I be aligned with those who claim of John's maddness. First, I must start with how I stumbled upon these people. Human interactions always intrigued me, even before John and I began talking with each other. I would fill my days sitting in the shade of a nearby tree and watch the people on the Reservation deal with each other. Though I was too far to hear the words they used, I could tell what was going on by how people carried themselves and the movements they used. For each word spoken, hundreds more were left unverbalized, spoken instead with their bodies. The majority of misunderstandings came from misinterpreting these non-verbal forms of communication that came with body usage in conversation.

An Aside

2005-07-13T11:08:00.000-10:00

So, this is completely unrelated to the story I started posting, but I need to say it. I have broken up with Alan. End of story. At this point I just want to move on. If anyone does have questions as to what went wrong, I will answer them. But I am hoping to close that chapter of my life here shortly. That said, I'll share what my new job is like. I work as a writer/researcher/transcriber for the University's Communications department. So far it's been cool. I am currently working on writing an article about a recent graduate who went home to Cambodia to start his own business. It's a cool story. So yeah, that is where things are at for me. That being said... the next installment of my story should be up later today or tomorrow. That's my hope anyways.

Interactions, pt. 1

2005-07-10T14:48:00.000-10:00

Days pass and the earth continues to turn. The sun rises and falls while the moon follows the chase. Seasons change as all things do. People are born as babes and die in the course of their lives as they develop uniquely. In this lifetime of a human, interactions are bound to happen; even the most hidden of hermits have encountered other people at one point in their lives. This interaction, like the continuation of seasons and passings, is sure to happen in all lives. One is not born a hermit, nor is one born without parents. Though these principles are common knowledge to many, there is a place that exists where human interaction is not bound to happen. People, if they so desire, never come in contact with others.

Though parents are needed in order to birth a child, infants do not need to rely on their parents for their needs. There is no interaction if parents choose this for their child. Orphanages operate with automatons to feed the children and computerized databases and files for these children in order to know their needs. As the children grow and learn and mature, they choose how to go about their lives in the orphanage. The most interesting thing about this is that when I arrived in this place, all the inhabitants wanted to meet me and thus were forced to interact with each other.

Song of the Day

2005-07-09T09:58:00.000-10:00

"Bless the Broken Road" by Rascal Flatts

Co-Dependancy or Interdependancy?

2005-07-03T22:26:00.000-10:00

One of the most difficult things in my life right now is trying to figure out which things I'm co-dependant on and which things I can marginalize from my life. I never knew it would be so difficult. As I begin to post some of the writing I've been working on in my free time, I'll also add some random posts about where my mind is at, unless you can find it for me. I don't think being co-dependant on anything is a good thing, but I can't decide why. I know that interdependance is an amazing thing to have in your life, but I can't decipher the line that divides co-dependancy and interdepenancy.

A Time Out for Sickness

2005-07-02T19:00:00.000-10:00

Sorry about not putting much of anything on my blog since I let everyone know about my getting the job. When I have more time, I'll put another post up. Til then, PEACE!

2005-06-21T12:22:00.000-10:00

I got it. ^_^

Mad Season

2005-06-15T10:07:00.000-10:00

As the title would suggest, I'm about one or two steps away from going crazy!!!!!!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And now for your regularly scheduled program: Song of the day is: "Mad Season" by Matchbox 20.

Lost in Confusion or Confused at a Loss

2005-06-11T20:52:00.000-10:00

Running a Nation

2005-06-10T16:29:00.000-10:00

As many of us have decided to do, I am currently running an imaginary nation on the site,Nation States. Check it out... you might get some tips on how to rule the world, or better yet, how to corner the market in the furniture restoration industry. ;)

Over Fillers

2005-06-08T18:45:00.000-10:00

So I've realized that the songs of the day need to not be my only posts. I don't have much to say however because I do see y'all places more often than not and my thoughts are mostly filled with a person who makes me giddier than a druggy. Classes are winding down, this phase of school is winding down, my life is just making all sorts of twists and turns at this point. Well, if anyone has any input as to what I should start doing so y'all know I'm alive after graduation, let me know.

Song of the Day

2005-05-31T20:44:00.000-10:00

"Again I Go Unnoticed" by Dashboard Confessional

Song of the Day

2005-05-25T14:23:00.000-10:00

We have a special treat for all you cruisin' the bloggers domain; Two songs of the day!!!!

"Oceanside" by The Decemberists
&
"Point of No Return" by Emmy Rossum and Gerard Butler

Song of the Day

2005-05-24T09:45:00.000-10:00

"Mary Lou" by Rednex.

Crazy Day

2005-05-24T09:09:00.000-10:00

Nothing like losing your mind four weeks before you graduate to make life a roller coaster. And no, this isn't the senioritis. :P

Questions, Questions Everywhere

2005-05-21T02:27:00.000-10:00

Why do I love so blindly?
Why did I open my heart?
What is this thing felt inside me?
What causes the doubt?
When did the fallout happen?
When was the last time he called?
Where did our enthusiazism die?
How could I let this happen?
Where did my mind go?
What in the world was I thinking?
Why did I let this one go?
Was I foolish to think this might work out?
How much more should I take?
Where in the world could he be now?
Is he even thinking of me now?
How are these tears not falling?
When did my heart break its last?
Does this time ever slacken?
When will these pressures cease?
Do lovers like me reunite?
Does love conquer all?
Can the rain truly wash away the thoughts that bring tears?
Will nights awake serving others help me to find solace?
Will my heart win out in the end?
Can opportunity cost really outweigh the equation?
Who has the super glue to repair broken hearts?
Does duct tape and super glue really fix everything?
How about a staple gun and bleach?
Will I ever be able to truly say what I want to say and have it be understood that way?
When will I learn to completely trust Heavenly Father?
When the door closes, can it ever be reopened?
Can confusion be defeated?
Will there ever be a time in life where people see beyond stereotypes?
Can prejudice be overcome by education?
Will the rantings of a sleep deprived college student make much of a difference?
In the end, does it really matter?

Song of the Day

2005-05-18T08:40:00.000-10:00

"Standing Still" by Jewel.

Now Accepting Applications

2005-05-14T16:37:00.000-10:00

So... the past week or so has opened my eyes to the many possibilities of life. Not only have the possibilities been revealed, but also the infinite paths that lay ahead. Everyone has this multitude of paths in front of them. Kinda scary to think that one decision will lead you down any number of them, and that path can be both for the good and bad. There are so many wonderful things life has to offer us.

E has taken one of the many in choosing to go on the cruise that she's on right now instead of staying here for Spring. Though there are many of us who miss her, she's enriching her life.

Vasu has taken one of serving a mission. Only those who have served missions can know what pearls he'll receive on this path.

Those of us at college have choosen to increase our knowledge of something. This causes us to add more dimensions to ourselves or just deepen an existing one.

There are pluses and minuses to the things we choose to do with our lives, but I have yet to see anything that has no plus and also nothing without a minus. Rob put it in the form of a business term, "opportunity cost." My opportunity cost of coming back to graduate was not being able to stay near Alan and my family; especially my constantly growing nieces and nephew.

Sometimes making these decisions in life scares us spitless while others excite us to no end. Is there any denying that no matter the outcome or the path taken, these decisions will forever more alter who we were?

This marathon of mine isn't even articulated as well as I had hoped I could. The title... well let's just say that it applies in so much as you want it to. I am not writing this post as council or to pursuade anyone. My thoughts as senioritis courses through my system, slowly taking control of all my faculties. I am not ready to give up this life yet. I'm so happy with the family I have established here in the islands. Drama is very much a part of this family, like any other nuclear family. Fraught with emotions and love, we push on. I will forever be changed for good because of them.

Also, remember to wear your sun screen. (;

Ride on Space Cowgirl: The Work Annals

Finding Myself Again?

It's Been a While

Song of the Day

A Voice That Soothes From the Past

Misadventures in Dating

Preview of Capt Caf's New Episode

Ushering in a New Phase

Song of the Day

Fighting Through Limbo

Song of the Day

Playin' With the Fam

A Sudden Realization

Song of the Day

Fiery Red, Episode 2

Déjà Vu Counter

Tying Up Loose Ends

For Lack of Something Else to Put

Fiery Red, Episode 1

Great News

Someone Spilled Turpentine

Song of the Day

INFJ - The Idealist

Introverted iNtuition

Extraverted Feeling

Introverted Thinking

Extraverted Sensing

Introverted iNtuiting Feeling Judging

Drifting Toward Change

A Day at Punchbowl

Due to Popular Demand

On the Radio

Pensive

Words of Inspiration

Tearing and Torn

Heaps Upon

Song of the Day

Don't Mind Me

What I've Learned

Bobbing in Waves

Once in a Lifetime

Trying

X

Downpours and Confuzing Comics

Things I've Been Told

Song of the Day

Operation: Surprise!!!!!

MacGyver'd

A Commonality

Song of the Day

Enter Mr. Green: Capt Caf's Nemesis

I'm the Weird One

Simple Inspritation

Song of the Day

Teaching Us About Love

Song of the Day

Concerning Words

Song of the Day

Life Should be a Musical

Battosai Meets Captain Caf... *dum, dum, dum*

A Blog to Write a Post On

Song of the Day

Dueling Worlds

Song of the Day

Deja Vu

Double Deuce

BitterSweet.... or SweetTart?

Song of the Day

Doing the Unusual Again

A Thought Born of Isolation

Simply Put....

On the Inside/On the Outside

Song of the Day

Life's Little Surprises

A Day of Randomness

Song of the Day

Epiphanies

Song of the Day

Song of the Day x 2

Transported Away

Battosai Meets Captain Caf... dum, dum, dum